Not one- not one- have I not left- no matter how good, bad, or ugly- and sat and cried.
As she perfectly says, it is an emotional whiplash.
We sit with Ivey in the room, with Stephanie signing the conversation to her, and we discuss her. I have requested her absence from the hard meetings. For the record, and I think anyone who has ever sat in one of Ivey’s meetings would agree, we push hard into her present levels of academic achievements- we focus on what she can do. Her possibilities. And so far, she has exceeded every goal set in front of her.
Still. No matter how stoic or the smile- my heart is breaking and full of pride all at once. mommas go to their quiet space - and cry. So many meeting were spent fighting with people who were supposed to be on her side. Yet, there is a side. The only side we allow in these meetings, year after year- is Ivey’s side. Still, things are lopsided.
Matt and I have different roles in Ivey’s life. Matt and I are a team. We sit in the meetings facing each other so we can read one another’s face. A nod of a head lets the other know who will speak, answer, advocate. A raise of the eyebrow, "I don't agree or this is the "thing" we were preparing in advance to disagree." We are in tandem in Ivey's world. But the vast bulk of the IEP sits upon my shoulders, a mom's shoulders.
Mommas leave the meetings a little broken. A little sad. An anger of circumstance, not toward anyone, just an anger. A sadness. An emptiness feeling we are inadequate. Inadequate looms often in a cloud - can I ever do enough? Enough that they truly see her. Enough to advocate for her without a mountain to climb. In the world of disabilities, when are these kiddos ever enough? I have journeyed 12 years of school with 2 boys, plus their college days - there is nothing, and I can't say it loud enough - nothing in their educational career that comes close to the process of special education. If you haven't sat in an IEP, prepared for one, had to study ADA and IDEA and how to employ the law - for your child's education - well, there is no comparison to types of education all under the same roof in one school building. Completely different parental experiences.
Even with the best IEP meetings, the best teachers, even with Erica and Stephanie, we sit facing a team of people waiting to give their current evaluation, sentence upon sentence of how much more work lie ahead. It's this constant almost reaching the summit and then the summit be extended just a little further. Never taking a moment to let her know - "You did it!" "Ivey, YOU, worked so hard, YOU did it." Just a moment to let her know she met the expectations set for her a year prior. Her time and effort was valuable - and SEEN - felt by all at the table. And I hope it goes without saying, that every person in the IEP team (parents included) should also be celebrated - for just a moment. SEE her efforts.
For a momma, this meeting is a wave gathering energy as each person speaks. After the meeting- Matt and I gather our notes, say our thank you's - and walk out the door, to a parking lot where we normally say, "Good meeting.", smile at each other with that little sadness on the corner of our eyes, and we take separate cars to the next task. And as said in the video, we feel leveled. Each and every time. Neither time nor experience can soften the leveling. It's the same raw beating every single time. My car is a place of solace. I sit alone, in quiet. True to tradition, the wave crashes. A tsunami... I try to breathe. Try to take a breath without that 'hitch' in my breath. Then, I take a deep breath, put the car in drive - holding my head a little higher…for Ivey… and feel another layer of hardened protection wrap my heart - and I drive away.
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