Surviving Has Side Effects

That's the best I can think of .....surviving has side effects. 

If we sat down and evaluated the days, nights, weeks, months and now years, we most definitely have survived.  It makes me feel like running around like Gloria Gaynor singing "I Will Survive".  (On occasion - I have.)  And I surmise that looking in from the outside, we've done a fictitiously superb job ... of surviving. 

But that's where things get a little gray and sketchy.  We have survived, which dang sure impresses most people. If fact even I am impressed.  I look back on some days and wonder how in the world did we ever get through that.....yet here we are as proof.  We survived.

We, when in the company of our sweet girl, can appear somewhat intimidating.  Seriously, how many moms do you know who can monitor a seizure, vent a g-tube, administer Diastat, manipulate a feeding pump, call a neurologists, orchestrate two elementary age boys and not let dinner burn all at the same time?  Oh, and add in some instructive sign language on top of that.  If I knew someone who could do the same things it would scare me to death.

Oh yeah... I actually DO know a couple of moms, awesome moms, that juggle similar things and more. They leave me in a trail of dust.

But, and this is a big .... BUT

Sit me down with two of my best friends.... in the whole entire world... at lunch on a Tuesday afternoon in Panera and you'll hear crickets chirping from around me.  I got nothin'.  Absolutely nothin'. I sit speechless, motionless and with no idea of what to say, how to act, or dare I say be "normal". Internally I feel like I just don't fit into normal life anymore.  But hey, it's all part of surviving.  Merely a side effect.  Right? 

While we were building our fallout shelter in the past few years, so we could survive, we stock piled a lot of survival equipment. We schemed everything from the right medications, emergency plans, medical plans, school plans, therapeutic plans, intervention plans, play date plans, and organizing people to help us institute all of the above.  We were seriously going to survive.  We did our best to shelter family and friends in attempt to protect them from our secret compartment of pain and heartbreak; unfortunately, we collected a few human casualties in our attempts.  But even those damaged while we were in survival mode have survived and we can never repent enough for the devastation that was inflicted.  Thankfully they endured the side effects of us trying to survive.  Nevertheless I am truly starting to question this surviving thing.  Doesn't feel so rock starish any longer.  Surviving is exhausting....mentally....physically.....and emotionally.  Let's don't even talk about spiritually. 

As for our children, well, the out come of their survival is still undetermined.  They appear healthy and happy.  Occasionally something will crop up that we suspect is a side effect of survival mode.  But, I like to think that their fairytale still awaits and that our surviving has left them unharmed. 

So when I tally everything up it seems that most everything and everyone has survived the side effects of us just trying to survive.  The world still spins, which is always a plus.  Woo hoo! We win a prize or something, don't we?

But not so fast, it seems that within all the attempts to survive - we left a couple of people out. 

Two very important people. 

Forgotten are the two people who made this all possible.  The two people who fell in love, made a plan, and set out on a journey - together.  I am sure it was never perfect, but what is?  It felt perfect and they were happy.  Even when the unexpected happened, they moved toward one another.  Yet in the same instant, once they began surviving, they unknowingly began moving apart. 

They had no other choice - at the time.  Life required them to survive for the sake of themselves, their children, their family and their friends. 

I'll be honest, very honest. Surviving is hard work.  With a world turned upside down so quickly, it takes time to realize what direction you are facing. You may not even be facing the same direction.  So you begin the excruciating task of turning the topsy turvy right side up.  Within the confines of surviving, ultimately, we do what is natural for all humans to do.  We let our natural instincts kick in and we either fight or we take flight, or we do a little of both.  We do what ensures our own survival - we do this out of fear of failure. 

And so the last two people on the list of survivors has tired of merely surviving. 

One thing about these two survivors, they are just that....  They are warriors to the end.  And so they have met the fork in the road of their journey.  It is a place where decisions must be made and consequences must be faced...  and these two survivors are tired of fighting alone. The spark that started this tale has been the one thing worthy of sacrife.  No longer. 

They have learned that surviving has side effects. Many side effects.  They have learned that surviving asks a lot of a person and takes most of the person. Surviving is relentless. Sometimes it is more than what one person can do independently, so they are forced to compensate.  Sheer determination grabs the reigns.  Sometimes it is something that one person MUST do on their own, so they dig in.  Other times it is just what God is asking of them at that particular moment in time, that's all.  And in those times the side effects of surviving can be very positive. Other times, the side effects are down right miserable.  Either way it is only temporary.  Merely a season. 

Surviving is not meant to be forever. 

In the rubble those two survivors found each other.  Tattered and bruised.  A tad bit sleep deprived.  But without a doubt, they will have many more days together. 

And not just surviving.....thriving.....together. 
That in itself is "a whole nother story".  A great story. A new chapter.  Just Another Ordinary Miracle..........

As he walked along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" Jesus answered, "Neither this man nor his parents sinned; he was born blind so that God's work might be revealed in him." john 9:1-3

And this is my resolution...to remember God graced my life with an Angel who was sent here to reveal his work and that the tribulation of this path is not only Her glory but His glory. And we (meaning ALL of us) were miraculously chosen to receive this grace-


-Gwen