When Ivey was a baby, I literally had drawers and spaces in her closet labeled, everything had a space, a place. One special friend loved showing off Ivey's closet to newbies coming by for a visit. This level of organization mystified my friend. Secretly, I wanted to go back to haphazardness.
Justifying why I did this is simple. At the time, I had friends helping me with my laundry, as were my mom and some night nurses. With so many people, I found it more efficient, for all of us, to label everything.
No one had to search or guess where things belonged.
This approach to find order has only amplified with time.
I have come to accept that being Ivey's mom has brought out a controlling aspect in my personality. For the record, I have always found peace in order and organization.
It could be described as controlling, maybe.
Ivey ramped up my need for order. On her hard days, or in times leading up to what I know will be hard, my need for order raises it’s merciless head.
I have found it is easier to laugh at myself and the glitch in my DNA -
rather than feeling it is something negative. I choose not change this aspect of my personality.
It keeps Ivey safe. She has many medications. Many regimens. Routine cuts down on errors.
It cuts out unnecessary extras when getting out the door.
In my mind, it isn't a negative.
Yesterday, I read the following from Clearly Stated, and my habits that seek order,
fell into place.
Order does bring peace.
The word and emotion in my mind finally found paper.
-Surrender.-
With Ivey's birth, and through the years, I have surrendered to her needs.
I do things her way, not my way.
It was a raging battle at first,
sometimes it still its.
It took many tears, and even banging my fists into a few walls.
On occasion, sitting in my car with a death hold, gripping the steering wheel -
just screaming.
In the end, I surrendered.
There was no other option. No other choice.
Surrendering to her needs meant, and means, I prioritize life differently.
I find my life circling, and now revolves, in prioritizing Ivey's needs.
There was, and is, no other way.
I am okay with my life priorities these days.
Unconditional love allows for that.
Agape.
It's not about particulars. It's about the brutal lessons of prioritizing all of
Ivey over my wants.
Once upon a time, when these two worlds slammed together, I was called selfish by a family member. See, to have a sense of self care involves a level of needing others to be present with Ivey. Find balance is an ebb and flow. No passage of time matters.
But there was a part of me, still is, that sometimes wants to be a regular person. A person who doesn't know the pains and joys of a child with disabilities and complex medical needs - and all that encompasses.
You know, like pulling into a parking space and just walking into a store, not trolling for a handicap space. Or making a plan on the calendar, knowing I will be sad when I have to cancel.
This happened last night when I missed my book clubs first meeting.
I have found order helps to make space for others, and selfishly, for myself. Or, to prevent missing things for my two boys -
or making adjustments to a marriage never imaginable when we uttered the words "I do". .
I feel like my world is constantly in disarray. But I have surrendered to it.
It is definitely not void of mess,
quite the opposite.
I wouldn't change it for the world.
But this,
- this -
Order brings peace in what is often a world of chaos, medical needs, educational needs, and a mom and girl just wanting things to take less time, give space for normalcy. +
I surrendered - I surrender willingly - to this life of special.
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