The Surpassed Expiration Date of a Strong Marriage

22 and 3/4th years. Every word, and more.

We were told in the first 2 weeks after Ivey was born, in the midst of the chaos of her and having two toddler boys at home - that our marriage would likely end in divorce. Most special needs marriages do.

Special needs marriages are a section of divorce happening at a higher rate than most- yet, overlooked by most. Still, someone felt compelled that we know that information during such a life altering time. It was an added layer we struggled to process, along with many other devastating blows. It scared us beyond belief. We were clinging to one another.

Over the years, we have pushed the limits, the barriers. We have slept in the same bed, for weeks separated by miles and hospital walls, with nurses in the next room in the sacred walls of our home, and now, with our daughter tucked away in her own bed in our room. We have hung onto thin air at times. And, we have held on to each other.

We were told in counseling, in our darkest days, we were merely functioning as roommates. Still, we were functioning. We held tight to that. We learned how to fight our way back to one another, both figuratively and literally.

Special needs marriages are not for the faint of heart. We stood starry eyed at the alter with no indication the direction our marriage soon would go. Our rector talked to us about many things that would test our marriage, but a child with a disability was not one.

We had no real understanding how the vows we made would be tested or how they would save us, that love would require more work than we could possibly imagine. And sometimes, we stayed because we were too exhausted to make any big changes. Other times, we stayed out of commitment and loyalty over love. Still, love was there. But love comes in many different forms, it's not always a noun.

Having a marriage that has surpassed the expiration date of most is a milestone in itself.

I don’t know if we exhibited a good marriage or a great marriage for our boys. Time will tell. But, I do know, we were and are an example of a strong marriage. That strength took time and resilience and belief in one another. And, that type of bond is something we can look back on and forward to - together. G.

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I read this the other day:

I have a loving husband.

He’s loyal and trustworthy & helpful & dedicated. He’s hardworking & prioritizes his family. He’s appreciative & considerate & giving & caring.

And we’ve been together for almost 19 years.

We’ve been through it all.

Hard stuff. Scary stuff. Painful stuff. Heartbreaking, backbreaking & groundbreaking stuff.

We’re pretty solid, I’d say. We do what works for us. We argue our points wheen we both feel oppositely strongly about something. We laugh when we find something funny. We share our thoughts & we take turns being the emotionally strong one. We share parental duties & we try hard to find quality time for us. We’ve slept separately & worked on opposing schedules. We’ve lived away from each other & haven’t been able to live without each other.

We don’t share a blanket at night because I like mine & he likes his. I buy his favourite chocolate & he makes me coffee. He fixes my car & I fix him lunch. He’s on my team & he’s on my last nerves, too. I know I’m the same for him. Frustrating and, first. He’s my favorite ‘hello’ & absolutely my hardest ‘see you later’.

None of that though, absolutely none of it, means we’re immune to the strains that special needs parenting puts on our marriage.

My goodness,

it’s hard on ‘us’.

The absolute weight of regular life, regular parenting, regular worries, regular struggles, regular hards,

plus the weight,

of the worries, struggles & hards that come with parenting a child with a disability & severe behavioral, medical & developmental needs, is a lot of weight to carry. It really is.

It’s spins us sometimes.

It hits us & flips us & kicks us around.

It’s cyclical.

There are times when we are a well oiled machine. And there are times when we are tripping over each others’ feet.

Some days we’re on the same page & other days we’re in seperate books.

It’s completely cyclical. Parenting a special needs child & marriage in a special needs home. That’s what this life is. Cyclical.

There are upward cycles & downward cycles.

And with patience & empathy, & love & understanding,

it always cycles around again.

Hang in there special soul parents.

And keep going.

I love you.

Love, Christine x @specialsoulmama