purpose driven life...

Update:  (Make sure to click on the link and read "The Brave Little Soul".)

Sometimes I really have to stop and wonder about Ivey's purpose in this world.  Literally stop and wonder, revel in the wonder.  Her little life marked such a drastic change in every single thing I thought  I knew in the years accumulated in this world before her birth.  All of which adds up to be basically - nothing.

I stop sometimes and look at myself in the mirror, literally.  I see changes, most of which I see I feel she changed, maybe a little from time and age, but more so my physical changes came from Ivey.  I see tired eyes and extra weight.  I'm learning to embrace both.  I don't like them but time restraints, sleepless nights and stress, well, they physically alter a person.  I'm learning to accept the external changes.  Why?  Well, what I see growing on the inside makes for a much prettier person.  And many might see that as two-fold.

Again, why?  Well, I have much more compassion and patience for those who need it.  I see beauty in the ugly.  On the flip side,  I have found that I have a much shorter forgiveness for those who have the ability but chose not to use it.

I see Ivey use every ounce of being in her compact body and I wonder even my purpose.  I gaze at her all tucked into her little crib and wonder how can this child be SO capable of changing hearts, when she is mute.  She doesn't speak a word and she digs right into the core of your soul, my soul.

The more time that goes by, the more I am convinced that she is pure perfection.  For so long I have spent countless hours trying to explain to myself that she is, in fact, perfect - no matter what anyone else sees or does not see in her.

I get the plethora of opinions - but put yourself in my shoes, I spend more than enough time discussing my daughter with specialists, therapists, teachers and the general public trying to convince them, and myself, that "this" is normal.  But, it is not.  Her life is different, and so inadvertently, my life is different.

And so her purpose:  To cause change.  change. change. change. change. change.

Change is hard.  Change pushes for more.  Know more.  Think more.  Be more.

But... the hardest

to FEEL more.

And there in lies a choice.  To stay the course, refuse the change thrown in your face, or embrace the change.  Either way, when you leave Ivey, like it or not, something about you IS changed.

Good God, just try living with her.

People new to Ivey's world see a puzzle missing pieces.  But, I am convinced, unwillingly convinced, Ivey is WHOLE.  She is all of the things we all should be, minus the things that really are unimportant.

Hard to imagine, but true.

She sees YOU.  the inside.  which really does scare the hell out of me sometimes.  literally.

She doesn't really need those eyes, your external beauty is irrelevant.  She doesn't need to hear the perfectly formed words placed into sentences.  No, your touch says it all.  She knows.  How, I do not know.  But she loves me, and that tells me there is something good...in me.  She knows.

What purpose lies in that?  I can't help but wonder.  Listening to the sermons that are preparing us for Easter, they are beautiful,  I still look at her and hear more.  I just wish everyone could hear That message.   I hear more from Ivey.  Suffering?  She exudes it.  And - she revels in it.  It is beautiful.

Can she express to you verbally who God is?  Nope.  Has He held her hand?  Yep, I am absolutely convinced of it. She has a relationship with Him that I strive for.  I think there are times he pushes the hair over on her forehead to comfort her and I am certain he plays games with her.  She giggles sometimes for no apparent reason.

Is there purpose in this life?  Yes.

Do I know its full extent?  No.

But am I honored to be a part of her story?  Absolutely.

Am I terrified?  One hundred percent.  Mainly I wonder if I am "enough" for her message.

Is she a Brave Little Soul?  I have no doubt. I have absolutely no doubt that these conversations do, in fact, take place.  I only wish I were that brave.

(Make sure to click on the link and read "The Brave Little Soul".)