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What You're Willing To Give Up

To be honest, things have been tough for the last few months. It's hard to explain just why even though I know exactly why. Life has come in the past five years and it's not through yet. And the roller coaster ride has ensued with tosses and turns- loops I never imagined. All angles of life are impacted. To be honest- it sucks.

But one thing I am slowly realizing- where I have been struggling to find my personal self in Ivey's world, beyond that of a primary caregiver to a very special needs child who consumes more time than most would be willing to sacrifice, amongst the life of my past I can't get back to, where I am constantly evaluating my position in comparison to someone else and their assumed successful life of assumed possibilities -that is merely available on appearances -for me a price has been paid in the earnings of giving up freedoms and personal time, hobbies and a career, sometimes there's not even enough air to breath. Most view that as a loss. Then they sit happily on the sidelines as the weights on a scale (salary, business, connections, invitations to social events, the number of phone calls received in a day) compounds. Looking out of the corner of their eyes to access if they are the one who has the most, who thinks they know the most, who has the most experience, the most expensive, and the friends that are the most impressive...making sure they are getting their backs patted and praised for all those things and looking down their noses if they don't think you have all those things - you are merely unsuccessful - not as successful as them.

Maybe the success in some one's life is NOT based on what we achieve- maybe, just maybe, life and it's successes is based on what we are willing to give up -

To promote another life - another life besides our own - at any and every hour of the day - knowing that the expense , the pay out, is loosing our own. Watching it happen in real time and letting it happen - willingly. And then actually loosing it - only to find talents beneath the subcutaneous layer that others can only dream about it a typical world. I've got that on my resume. But most never see that.

Maybe it's about working hard to merely let those prior plans and dreams - years of college, the beginnings of a "successful" career sink beneath the surface so that an other's time on this Earth is meaningful and FULL of absolute joy - that they are the benefactors, even though they will never know it. Despite the blood, sweat, absolute sleepless nights and tears that reign, I get up every morning to so that she is successful, others see her as success. I do it willingly, knowing the consequences. Maybe it's taking steps into an unknown and beating odds and statistics that were NEVER in your favor that makes life and real hard work meaningful- refusing to succumb to the the 'what should have beens'.

Maybe it is about sitting in the passenger seat and encouraging others with the credit for the successes, for a life that wasn't supposed to be. Again, willingly.

It's not success to meet personal promotion or personal gains and goals - no success, actually my friend, is having the courage to give all that up.



I have missed you so much!

I have to tell you, by my measuring stick, you are by far one of the most successful mothers, human beings, I have ever known.Ever.

I am struggling lately and this past week I have decided that I need to seek outside advisement. Nice way to say .. a therapist. Got to be done. Put off far to long. And although the last 4 1/2 years have brought some of the greatest joys and blessings of my life, it has come at a price. I need to reclaim some things. I hope that this is a beginning.

Much love from California.
Debbie's L'Bri said…
Gwen you are very successful. I have had other things keep me away from blogging... Thing that have made me give up personal gains and goals for others. I believe people that give for others are very successful.
Kate Fitchett said…
Although we don't know each other well, evidence by us meeting formally today, I am taken back by your wisdom. Thank you for knocking me back down to reality. Your blog made me realize it is not the constant pushing in life that will always makes the difference. It is the everyday sacrifices that you consciously decide to do in life that make it truly beautiful.
carol said…
You may never know how much your posts inspire and move people. That is your gift, through your daughter.

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