Here not there.

Have you ever wanted to be anywhere but here? Just be there? That place where things are easier – that place where decisions come fast – that place where answers aren't found at the end of riddles – that place where I have yet to be.

 

And honestly I am tired of the clichés' about things not always being easy and diamonds in the rough or not being given more than I can handle. Some days I am just not there. Instead I am here.

 

Here in a beautiful home with beautiful children and a beautiful husband. Yes I know all the great things I have been given.

 

I don't want to be there again next week. Another procedure. Another issue to 'deal' with. Another reason for her to hurt. Another reason to be a part-time mom to the boys. I want to be here instead.

 

I don't want to hear another person say 'I don't know how you do it." I don't want to hear another person say, "Well, I guess you are used to this by now." I don't want to hear another person say, "You should be happy of what you have been given, and move forward", as if I am not. I don't want to hear another person say, "I couldn't do what you do." I am tired of feeling like I need to appear to be afloat – not having the bad day – and when I do getting the reasons why I should be thankful. It's just too much contradiction too much judging on a lifestyle that only this selected handful gets to live. No. I don't want to be there anymore. I'll admit it – I'm weak.

 

I want to be here. I am tired of being There countless minutes out of each and every day scheduling, finding out, hearing more reasons to be there.

 

I want to be there – where God says you all are serving your purpose well – so I will give this one day to rest. Step away and just be.

 

I don't want to feel guilty for fearing or accepting her future anymore – just because others fear pain or death. Because others don't like to see a world without rose colored glasses. Or better yet – all is black or white. All that is there. Here, we live in the gray area where happiness coincides with sadness, joy meets pain, and smiles are always shared with tears.

 

This week I wanted to be there – where my little girl smiles when she sees me, can say 'I love you', can walk to me – Instead I am here. And I do like it here, but still miss there - even though I have never even been there, not one step. And I don't want to hear how I should learn to love other things – the joys of progress in her world. Because without a doubt I love every minute of it, but why is it so hard for everyone else to understand – that I can miss those things too. Some days are harder than others. The rest of the world complains when the kid next door made the A instead of their kid, or when their child wasn't invited to 'the' party, or when their child isn't the 'most' athletic or popular or picked by the teacher…all so petty, what's so wrong with me missing something so minimal as her saying my name – momma? What's wrong with wanting that?

 

I just want a moment with my girl that doesn't involve or revolve around anything medical – I want a moment with my boys to be their mom, just their mom – I want a moment with my husband to talk about our marriage, not medical issues – is that really too much to ask, to be there – not here?