Have you ever wanted to be anywhere but here? Just be there? That place where things are easier – that place where decisions come fast – that place where answers aren't found at the end of riddles – that place where I have yet to be.
And honestly I am tired of the clichés' about things not always being easy and diamonds in the rough or not being given more than I can handle. Some days I am just not there. Instead I am here.
Here in a beautiful home with beautiful children and a beautiful husband. Yes I know all the great things I have been given.
I don't want to be there again next week. Another procedure. Another issue to 'deal' with. Another reason for her to hurt. Another reason to be a part-time mom to the boys. I want to be here instead.
I don't want to hear another person say 'I don't know how you do it." I don't want to hear another person say, "Well, I guess you are used to this by now." I don't want to hear another person say, "You should be happy of what you have been given, and move forward", as if I am not. I don't want to hear another person say, "I couldn't do what you do." I am tired of feeling like I need to appear to be afloat – not having the bad day – and when I do getting the reasons why I should be thankful. It's just too much contradiction too much judging on a lifestyle that only this selected handful gets to live. No. I don't want to be there anymore. I'll admit it – I'm weak.
I want to be here. I am tired of being There countless minutes out of each and every day scheduling, finding out, hearing more reasons to be there.
I want to be there – where God says you all are serving your purpose well – so I will give this one day to rest. Step away and just be.
I don't want to feel guilty for fearing or accepting her future anymore – just because others fear pain or death. Because others don't like to see a world without rose colored glasses. Or better yet – all is black or white. All that is there. Here, we live in the gray area where happiness coincides with sadness, joy meets pain, and smiles are always shared with tears.
This week I wanted to be there – where my little girl smiles when she sees me, can say 'I love you', can walk to me – Instead I am here. And I do like it here, but still miss there - even though I have never even been there, not one step. And I don't want to hear how I should learn to love other things – the joys of progress in her world. Because without a doubt I love every minute of it, but why is it so hard for everyone else to understand – that I can miss those things too. Some days are harder than others. The rest of the world complains when the kid next door made the A instead of their kid, or when their child wasn't invited to 'the' party, or when their child isn't the 'most' athletic or popular or picked by the teacher…all so petty, what's so wrong with me missing something so minimal as her saying my name – momma? What's wrong with wanting that?
I just want a moment with my girl that doesn't involve or revolve around anything medical – I want a moment with my boys to be their mom, just their mom – I want a moment with my husband to talk about our marriage, not medical issues – is that really too much to ask, to be there – not here?
15 comments:
Such honesty!!! I too feel like this and there are many days I want to be 'there' and not 'here' I dont think there is anyhing wrong with feeling like this... Sending hugs x
If I could transport you from here to there,I would,in a second.
I won't patronize you,with any of the things you have heard countless times before.But I will say,loud and clear,you are not weak.Perhaps in this moment,I will allow you to speak it,but I have journeyed beside you for over 2 years and you are one of the strongest woman,I have ever known.And I know you are tired of being strong.I get that.Trust me I do.
So today I send you love and wishes that perhaps tonight,if only in your dreams you can visit there.
A friend sent me a quote,a spin on,"I know God will only give me what I can handle.I just wish He didn't trust me so much." .... "I know God will only give me what I can handle because He knows I can kick some serious a**" Please tell me you smiled when you read that,okay?
Hey. I have no words. I can only echo some of what you feel. I am "there" most days too. The weight of what you carry is unbearable without the mighty grace of a mighty God. Praying earnestly for you my sweet friend....with NO judgement, no criticism, no notions of my own to contribute...just love and sincerity.
Oh, Gwen. I shed a tear for you at this moment. I too have lived with pain, though I have never lived with your pain. Well intentioned words can add salt to deep wounds sometimes. Know that I am lifting you up at this moment, and the rest of your family. I know we do not know what you live with. I know that Jesus is with you every step of the way, and only He can be all you need and give you the rest and hope you hunger for. I cannot imagine all you grieve for in your beloved little Ivey. I am grateful for the hope of a Heaven where you will know her as you long for her, fully whole and healthy...fully herself as God meant her to be. I am so sad that you have to wait for the joys you've had with your boys and that all of us moms take for granted. I love you. I am grateful you could risk to share hard thoughts and heartbroken needs.
Thank you for keeping it real.
It's totally not too much to ask! No one could possibly understand... unless they are you! Maybe you can squeeze in an hour massage?! You totally deserve one... better yet, a couple's massage.
I think that we all want to be there. Not that we don't like here, but damn if there isn't appealing! Doesn't everyone want their children to be perfect? I love the analogy of the kid who doesn't get an A while the neighbor does. Of course you want your kid to get an A! That doesn't mean you would trade kids, or you love your kid any less.
Gwen, I must have been feeling your vibe tonight - I just had a long conversation with my mother in law on our way home from a movie about Ava, our experience in the hospital and you & Ivey. The topic of your post was exactly what our conversation was about. Spending the days and nights in the hospital last weekend with Ava really brought my heart close to you and the other moms that I know who spend a lot of time away from home, focusing on procedures, medicines and solutions. I don't want to say any of the things to you that you hate. I just want to say that I have been thinking of you and that my heart is very close to you and Ivey right now. I want you to be there, too.
xoxo
I hear you sister...you know I do.
Shep
There are times when NO words are right. Gwen, know that there are alot of us HERE, not THERE, sending spiritual hugs to your family.
Just a note to let you know I am thinking of you both. HUGS and Prayers!
Love it!!! This post should be in a book everywhere!!! Actually I was thinking could I link it to my blog??
you know i don't mind. g.
I was just saying these exact things yesterday on my facebook page! It makes me upset when people say " I could never make it through what you go (or have been) through! I want to slap them! UMMM YES you WOULD make it through, you don't have a choice, you just do it!!!!! Any loving mother WOULD make it through! I'd rather here nothing at all then that comment, lol. AND the "your such a strong woman!" UMMM NO, I am no stronger than YOU! Just because I have been through more does not make me any more stronger!
I have never commented before...but I am sitting her reading this post with tears. We also have 2 boys, and then a little girl with mulitple medical issues. Never did I imagine this would be our journey. I can so, so relate-I also want my little girl to see me, to say I love you, to play with her brothers, etc. I'm so tired...I want to be "there" too. Sigh...thank you for sharing your heart. It's nice to know there are people who "get" it. Some days are just-hard-.
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