I am just curious and by all means am not in the position to make a real judgement call except for the fact that I do have a daughter who NEVER seems to be able to step outside the confines of her house on any given day, for any given reason, with any given person without being stared at - whether in good taste or bad - so I am overwhelmed by your keen since of reason and fundamental ability to handout such insightful and truly supportive advice to parents in the masses like myself. And Dear Abby I must thank you for shouting to the rest of your readers - 'Hey, go ahead and stare all you want. Forget the families for they should just 'turn the other cheek' and never feel the confusioning need to step up and harbor the CHILD that stares inadvertently demean and belittle.' Because my dear Dear Abby, there have been days I have literally looked to the skies and thanked God for taking her vision - yes, Ms. Abby pick your jaw up off the floor now and dust it off - because my daughter has dodged the bullet by not being prey to those stares. She doesn't see them. But often I wonder if she 'feels' those stares.
And don't you worry Dear Abby the next time my seven year old or five year old sons - HER brothers - ask me why 'that' person is staring at their sister, or why do people stare at her 'all' the time - I am now better prepared - I can just shrug it off - its no big deal - I will explain to them that they should be bigger people even though they still reside in bodies that should be innocent and unworldly. Who will, Dear Abby, endure torment on the school playground because their sister is 'different', no matter what effort we the parents make to have her accepted in society so that they (her brothers) will be accepted in their small niche of life. Yes Dear Abby they will be easy targets. Dear Abby when one of my sons comes home for the first time in tears or from a fight because they are either shattered or bruised from living a life in the shadow of those harmless stares - I'll reflect to them your words of wisdom.
DEAR ABBY: I am the parent of a child with special needs. To an outsider he
looks different; adults and children stare at him when we're out.
My son is not aware of their impolite behavior, but I am -- and it really irks
me. What should I say to these insensitive people? -- BOILING MAD IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR BOILING MAD: I don't think you should say anything. It is not unusual for
individuals of every age to do a double take when they see someone -- or
something -- that is "different." Of course staring is impolite, but unless
someone makes a remark or asks a question about your son, you should ignore the
person.
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6 comments:
OK...so I totally understand where you're coming from. BUT I admit I do double takes when I see special needs kids, and it's not because I'm gawking at them, it's because I feel a sense of camaraderie with their parents. I marvel at how special needs parents handle bolus feedings as they text on their cell phones. Or how they bring an entire pharmacy with them to doctors appts, so they can administer all of their child's meds regardless of the setting. I purposely try to not stare because I know how I feel about stares (I want to say...can I help you?), but I find myself wanting to know more about the family and child because I feel a bond between us. So please know...the stares or glances aren't necessarily always meant in a rude way...maybe they are coming from fellow special needs parents.
I read your blog regularly, and appreciate your boldness. I have 3 kids, ages 4, 7, and 9, who do not struggle with any type of physical handicap. If I catch them staring at someone noticably different than themselves, I require them, with my assistance, to go talk to that person. We have met some fascinating people this way and have always been warmly received. My sincere goal is to uplift the other person and instill compassion and understanding in my own kids. What is your take on my approach? Please be frank!
In this day and age... people are so rude... when people are not like them. Prayers for you... an all children...
I think that it is up to us as parents to teach our kids the differences in children and that doing the whole double take thing makes others uncomfortable. You are an awesome advocate for your daughter and others!
I think you should send in your post to Dear Abby. That'll show her! ;) But, in all seriousness, I completely agree with you. I think in most cases people don't know what to do when they see someone different from themselves. Do they look away? Smile and wave? Ask a question? Although, I do think there is a big difference between rude people and curious people, and it really isn't right to treat someone any differently just because they might look or act a little different.
I don't think staring is rude....I think that gawking and whispering and making awful faces is rude.
There are all kinds of different people, who look different and the first step of learning is observation....and in some ways, that includes staring.
When people stare at Ivey (or you Gwen) they can't possibly understand all the parts of your journey.... or hers. Nor will they ever.
I'd like to think that it's an opening for understanding and appreciation and learning.....that might start with, "this is my precious daughter Ivey, can I introduce you to her?"
I know that when I first met you, I stared....not out of dissrepect but out of absolute marvel and awe of a child so wonderfully and beautifully made that I wanted to learn everything about her, including memorizing her features...just as I did when I looked at your sons...their blond hair, beautiful eyes, fascinating and joyful smiles.
The burden can be heavy and for being the one that everyone looks *at*, and for that, I pray a lightened load :)
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