Guilt 101

I often wonder if the guilt of Ivey's differences will ever truly go away. No matter what, they have a way of looming and making themselves present even in the best of situations. Last week I spent the best four days at the beach with my boys. With a lot of love and help from my parents and aunt and uncle and a lot of love and encouragement from my awesome husband, the boys and I headed to the beach to just be. In other words, we went while Matt and Ivey stayed here. Our intentions were to give the boys some much needed time to be boys – with no grueling schedule – no 'wait a minutes' – no 'let me get the feeding pump' – not even a bedtime. And that is just what they did- and more. They got to be themselves, come first for a change and have their mama uninterrupted. In the meantime, Ms. Ivey got her Daddy to herself for the first time ever. I know they had their own fun, a lot of snuggling and even time at the pool together. Needless to say, everyone got a little of the attention that they have needed for a long time.

Also needless to say, the guilt of leaving Ivey behind was nagging. Knowing that we left to take a break from a schedule that she can never leave behind, that she is always bound to, just somehow does not seem fair. No matter how normal our 'new normal' is to our family, the boys still need time to be 'normal'. They need the opportunity to also know a life without so many barriers and regimens. Ivey needs time to have her dad to herself too, to know him without the distractions of her brothers who want and demand his undivided attention as soon as he walks in the door each day. So at some point I wondered if it were 'fair' to be having such a fun time without the other half of our family. I guess that leads us back to the constant battle of equality for all three of our children. It was a great reminder for me that the boys need me just as much as Ivey does, maybe even more at times.

We had a great time– lots of trips daily to and from the beach – easy trips lugging sand buckets, toys and towels-always covered in sand. I had forgotten, because it has been so long, how easy it is to do such simple tasks when your children can walk -how easy it is when they can feed themselves - when they do not need you to literally touch them constantly to be connected to an awesome world - to be able to speak and be heard - to be spoken to and hear. Not that all things are hard all the time, but it was so easy. Then up came the guilt again. Ivey's life requires her to work so much harder than the rest of us to do simple tasks. Walking to the beach, sitting in the sand, seeing the ocean, building that sandcastle, pointing at her surroundings, hearing the ocean for what it truly is….looking at the dolphins between the sandbars at sunrise – I know, it was a very special trip with very special memories of the boys, and we did enjoy every single second together and I will tell them over and over about our special time, the ride in the car, how spotting dolphins is good luck, about eating starcrunches for breakfast and finding those seashells–not a moment was diverted from their time, but at night when it got quite, I couldn't help but think about life's complications and wonders...how they bind themselves together. And I wonder, is that normal for our type of family? Or are those guilty moments just something that I create for myself to worry about?