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2,190 Days

It has been 2,190 days. That seems like a lot of days. However, there are some out there who have been doing this thing much longer, say for 30 years (10,950 days) or more. So our small 6 years compared to that seems pretty insignificant.

Six years ago I can remember Father Y talking to us about marriage, you know the part past the wedding day. It seems we get so hyped up about those few moments at the alter and a party afterward that planning for the days past 'The Wedding Day' are nonexistent. The world was grand, how could anything ever go astray in our future fairytale? Father Y talked to us about those days with us nodding along that we understood and would always stick to the plan; after all, that’s what people do in marriages. Right?

We did not get married until I was in my late twenties, Matt in his early thirties. It’s a great story. Planning and establishing a future were first. We were responsible. I often pick on him about this, but think about it, we met in the summer of the 96’ Olympics; we married after Y2K. There was plenty of time to work out the kinks before we were married. (I am grinning as I type this-I love to pick at Matt about the years that went by before the wedding.)

So - today we get the day together.

I want to tell you a different side to our fairytale. The part that is supposed to be ssshhhhh (private).

Last year when Ivey was born, we found that our fortress of a marriage was about to be tested in ways and means that no one can imagine-unless you have walked in our shoes. Stress can be applied to a marriage in many forms. This stress is unlike financial issues or disagreeing - the baby that was created was on the line. She was hurting. Did we cause it? You cannot conceive the depths that a ‘sick’ child will touch a marriage.

These are the days that Father Y was really talking about.

The first several days after Ivey was born I could not be alone, even when I slept. Come to think of it, I didn‘t sleep at all back then. I can remember sitting in the hospital room literally clinging to Matt. Those were dreary days.

Then someone came to visit, this was a few weeks after Ivey was born. They had our best intentions at heart, but sent fear surging through me - Matt tries to play this off, but it scared him too. We were quickly asked about our marriage. Okay. Ivey was still in the NICU, so we were leaning on one other as we sat waiting; we were together. We were informed that many (most) marriages of special needs children end in divorce. Didn’t know that and I probably could have gone without knowing that particular statistic.

Then our sweet pea came home, which was much different from the boys coming home from the hospital.

In a nutshell, our time was engulfed in Ivey’s medical care, trying to raise two boys in a ‘normal’ home (pretending their lives had not changed too), trying to keep the house clean, going to doctor’s visits, Matt was back at work, I was trying to raise three during the day, someone was always in our home during the day (would not change that) and there was a stranger awake in our home every night watching Ivey. A night nurse can quickly dowse any homefires that are burning. We were parents. We were friends. We were our parents’ children. We were trying to survive. There was no time for us to be husband and wife.

We went to dinner one night and stared at each other. Life was in full force, but I was in one realm - he was in another. Loving one another was not the problem. We worship each other. Marriage is founded on much more than love alone. -Who the heck was the person sitting across from me?- I think that is the instant most people make a choice. Our parents raised two very stubborn and headstrong people. Failure, and I am not talking about divorce, I am talking about a stale lifeless marriage was not an option.

We carved out a plan. Divide and conquer. I took control of Ivey’s medical events. Matt grabbed Ivey’s financial matters. We went full steam ahead. If a problem comes up, it is addressed and we try not to pull the other down with the details. This has become our way of life. Loving our family became our priority, not just surviving.

The marriage comes first.

I love being a mom. Matt loves being a dad. We once spoke about things Father Y said to us. He gave insight to loving the people who surround us, loving our parents, loving future children, but he spoke of always putting each other first. He spoke of hard times when we might want to cling to our own parents or friends - we had to make effort to cling to one another instead. Of course then we could not imagine there being a time when that could happen. Now we know. Without our marriage, none of the other will exist.

So, in the midst of the creatures we created, we honor the two people who created them. We both know that despite our current life, eventually our three babies will grow up and they will have lives of their own. We take a day, especially this day, to remember the two people who vowed to one another they would keep it together, we celebrate the people we have become, we are humbled by the obstacles we scale and we pray for the people we will be…..we are doing it together.

I could have told you some mushy story. I think this one is much better. It is a story about two people facing many obstacles, getting through them, and loving our life together.

Comments

georgiamom said…
I am so proud to say that I was there that special day when you said your vows. I was pregnant with M. so I didn't do much dancing!! But it gave me an opportunity to watch the bride and groom. I will never forget the look on both of your faces at your reception--JOY!!! I love the people you were back then-- and the people you have become!! Love, mandy
Unknown said…
Happy Anniversary!!
Anonymous said…
I have to say this is the BEST blog post I have read in a very long time. It is open, honest and so real.

You are right, while I cannot "imagine" the life, or marriage when you have a baby with disabilities, I can "only imagine". (does that make sense?)

I think this post is very important, and I am going to link to it from my blog today....
Leslie said…
I didn't know that statistic either...and I'm glad I didn't back then. It would have scared me tremendously. We were both 20 when we got married. We were children! 14 years later...there isn't much we haven't been through.

I wish I could go back to that waiting room and whisper in my ear, "It's scary. But it's going to be SO GREAT." Jack moves at his own pace, on his own schedule. That's not so scary anymore.

Happy 2,190 days! ♥
This sounds like the opening chapter of your book. The one that would strengthen, encourage, challenge so many out there. I remember hearing, way back, the best thing a man can do for his children is to love their mother. And vice versa. Your priorities are perfectly squared away. xoxoxo
Hofwoman said…
Wow - I read this from Kili's link. . . what a testimony you have, and such an encouragement. Marriage is definitely not a bed of roses, and there are certainly hard times. But those hard times will knit you closer.
Thank you again for sharing.
Sarah said…
Fantastic post--and it will speak volumes to other couples who are going through tough times. You're right--it's a decision, and a lifetime together doesn't "just happen."

Bless you on your special day--you are an inspiration to so many :)
Jennifer said…
G- I agree that this is the best post I have read out there in a long time. Truly beautiful.

Happy Anniversary to the 2 of you! It is amazing how much life can happen in 6 years, isn't it?
P.S. I want to hear your courtship story. On the surface, it sounds remarkably similar to ours.
Your blog came on June 30th our anniversary was June 29th. I thank you for being so honest. I am always afraid to blog out all my raw emotions online due to other members of my family being so often offended by what I say. However, thanks for putting it out there that it isn't always a bed of roses without having some thorns as well.
Ashley said…
Thank you for your beautiful description of this part of the journey. You have put into words what I have not been able to. I am so blessed by you, your Ivey, and your testimony. I appreciate your willingness to share this very important piece of the journey with all of us. Take care and know that you are loved. Happy Anniversary. Trish
I have been here reading, but without time to comment lately. This post had me nodding all the way through. Through a very different set of very harrowing circumstances, my hubby and I also went through a looooooooong (decade) period of ceasing to nurture our own marriage. It is ONLY our belief that our vows were promises before a powerful God that made us stay together. You are blessed to have a husband willing to at least decide to work on the marriage with you. And so am I.....now. It is because of these experiences that I thought to pray for this very aspect of your trials when I first heard your story. You are a great lady -and the people that God is growing you both into have earned their wisdom!
Anonymous said…
I must say again, THANKS for this post.
Renee said…
We heard those statistics when #2 was born, and it scared me to death. Not that I doubted the strength of our marriage but more so the realization of how hard this road just might be period. You wrote it beautifully!
Gwen, Happy Anniversary! You have such a gift at writing your experience in a way that helps your readers to get to walk in your shoes a bit.

I see the Lord using you and your story in mighty ways for His kingdom and to encourage His people.

May He continue to bless your marriage and make it stronger and stronger.

So glad you didn't choose to write a mushy story... this WAS much better:)
Just Tera said…
Happy Anniversary!!! And congrats on overcoming the odds... all the odds :)
WOW - that is an incrdbile testimony to your marriage and your strength. SO inspiring - thanks for sharing.

PS - I haven't forgotten about spotlighting and interviewing you for Faith Lifts. I just got so behind with feeling so ill with my pregnancy and all. I hope you still want to do it! :)
Gwen said…
Hello,

My name is Gwen as well. I found your blog through Kilkina at Live Each Moment. I just wanted to introduce myself and say you have a beautiful family. I so appreciate your honesty in this post. Happy belated Anniversary!
Alison said…
CONGRATULATIONS!!!
Monica said…
Happy Anniversary! Thank you for being so open and honest about this. My husband and I also heard that statistic while in that surreal and overwhelming place also known as the NICU. It was scary but I suppose now I am glad for the warning. You will probably never know how many couples you have inspired and given hope to by sharing this part of your story. Great post.
Anonymous said…
I think your story of a steadfast love is wonderful! Thanks for sharing how you have stuck together through thick and thin. God bless! Happy (belated) anniversary!
Susan said…
Happy Belated Anniversary!

I'm sitting here in in total awe... and thinging, WOW, what a beautiful testimony of love, selflessness, and giving.

You have such wisdom!

I'm just so blessed I stopped by. I pray you continue to keep focuces on each other.

God's amazing grace is sufficient for all we endure.

I'm so blessed I stopped by today!

I pray for many, many more wonderful years together.

Keep holding on,

Susan

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