Sleeping Babies

Time with Ivey and two little boys has become more complex, more relaxing, full of fear and estatic with joy in just a short three weeks. And right this moment, all three are sleeping peacefully and there is a moment to sit and breathe.

I am here at the hospital with Ivey watching her sleep yet, still wishing that I could stand in the boys' doorway to watch them sleep.

Next week on the 25th, Ivey will be 7 months old. Officially, she will have spent 2 months of her 7 in a hospital. Each day that has passed in those two months, Knox and Walker have whole heartedly stepped through each day with her. Not a day has gone by that they lift their heads from their pillows, bare feet hitting the hardwoods and ask where is Ivey, where is Daddy? And instinctively they answer their own question - at Scot White with Ivey. And in return, Matt says the same is done on the days I am here with Ivey, except they ask about their Momma. Not a day has passed that I don't ask, not necessarily to anyone inparticular, why these babies should carry such heavy hearts and live years past their age.

Now the calendar is set that Ivey will go home sooner than later and life will take on a new meaning and a new schedule. In the days that are to come, I pray that they will be sleeping babies whom have sweet dreams and wakeup to an untarnished world.

I remember when Knox was first born, the first baby. For many, everything that I did with him was chalked up to being an inexperienced mom, a first time mom. I have always wondered exactly where in the formula do you stop being a first time mom and become an experienced mom? To me, being a mom for the first time or for the third does not make me a better mom. Multiple children does not dignify or qualify that I am a good mother.

Is it possible to stretch across the miles and ensure three tiny people that they are special and important, loved and respected, unique and beautiful? Will they see that they are all loved equally all in their own unique way of needing to be loved? Will my children rest peacefully at night and feel secure in their surroundings, no matter where they are? Will they always feel protected and safe, even in our world of uncertainty? These are questions that are not special to our circumstance. These are questions that most mothers and fathers ask of themselves.

Tonight I left the hospital and went to dinner - alone. My friend Mandy came here and sat with Ivey while I left the hospital. Solitude is a wonderful thing at times. The past three weeks have been full. The past three days have been filled with a very awake 6 month old and learning to address her new needs and how to operate her new equipment. Down time is very limited. Mastering new skills takes concentration, when we go home all eyes will look this way to know what to do. Tomorrow it is planned that I will begin the rooming-in process so that Ivey can come home. I must log in 24 approved hours. Then, Matt will log in his own separate 24 hours. So do not be alarmed if we do not answer phones and visiting is very limited. While rooming-in, the nurses and respiratory therapists will step back and we will be in control of all feedings, medications, therapies, trach care, PEG care and other day-to-day needs of a baby.

So, tonight as I sat alone at dinner, something that is very against my normal mode of comfort, I basked in the moment. I sat with thoughts and emotions in my mind and could actually think over what I should do with each. Initially my thoughts wondered to life in the next year. Exactly how tough will it be on all of us? Then I reminded myself to not go down a road we may or may not travel, be patient and let things happen on their own.

Then the picture became clear.

I was sitting enjoying time alone while a friend put time aside to travel to Atlanta to sit with my daughter, without me asking. Another friend took charge of my life, voluntarily, to help love my children, make life easier, without me asking. Another has scheduled meals for my family, without me asking, despite her own busy schedule. Another has provided a place for my family to stay while here in Atlanta and carpooled the boys to and from preschool, all without me asking. Another has become Ivey's family, caring for her just like a mother, without me ever asking. I have walked into my home on more than one occassion and found groceries when we have been in the hospital and shopping almost impossible, all without me asking. Others have traveled the road here for doctors appointments, without me asking. Our circle is infinite and full of love. No matter what is to come, our family will not go at it alone. We have a wonderful family, but I marvel at the family that chooses us, our friends. I have watched much different senarios from my seat here in the hospital. Tonight I found myself sitting wondering where in Life did I become so lucky?

I pray my babies will sleep well tonight. I pray they feel the love that is surrounding them across the miles from here and from their family of friends who have chosen to love them. So, I have answered my own concerns. A mother is only as strong as the friends she keeps. I am a good mother because of the women who choose to surround my family. My children will know the love I have for them because they witness, on a daily basis, the bond between friends. After a good night sleep, the sun will shine down on our children tomorrow and they will feel an unconditional love that can only be found amongst our friends, our family.