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The Dark Side

I have to finally get this off of my chest.

Once upon a time when Ivey was in the NICU, our neonatologist suggested I get a notebook, literally a spiral notebook. Her instructions were to write down what was on my mind. Not some sappy journal, just my thoughts. Quote, “Write your grocery list if it is on your mind. You need to organize your thoughts.” At that time I could not complete a spoken sentence without jumping to another topic - complete nonsense rambling accompanied with the look of a deer trapped in the head lights.

So I got a notebook. It is small. I keep it in my purse. You will find all kind of ramblings in it from doctors’ appointments, reminders, questions, thoughts, song lyrics, schedules, telephone numbers, scribbles and of course grocery lists.

I try to organize my thoughts and especially my memories about this journey with Ivey periodically into another notebook or onto the computer. If something keeps burdening me, I put it on the blog. I know it is strange to put some of my most personal feelings about my family on one of the most non personal of displays. But for me, it has been my way of saying it out loud. More specifically, to scream it aloud! And maybe to help someone else, I have nothing to hide. Our ‘new normal’ is nothing to be secretive or quite about.

So, here I go…..

There is a dark side to this journey with Ivey. It began the moment I laid eyes on my precious baby girl and heard her symptoms uttered. The darkness of Ivey’s condition follows me everyday, all day. I can not shake it. I can not sleep without it crossing in my dreams. When I look at my sons, I see a ghost of it. As Ivey smiles at me, I get a glimpse of it. When I stretch her tight muscles, I feel the tension of it. Watching her sleep, I feel the drudge of it. Listening to her breathe, I hear the whisper of it. Good days, bad days, sad days, happy days, fun days, it is always there.

No prayer, tear, scream, husband, doctor, mother, or friend has persuaded it from me.

“What did I do to cause my child to suffer?”

I know I did not personally do this to Ivey! Nonetheless, the shadow of this is always following me around, sun or no sun. This is not something that is gently lifted away just because I ask for it. This is the fate of being a mother. The most prestigious and self fulfilling of careers still has a dark side, especially when your child is hurt or sick.

You will find in my notebook a list among several lists. I am most positive that the list could have several explanations; however, I know in my heart that this list exists only because of one person. This list could easily be explained by random chance, luck, coincidence, or the longing of a needy mother, but I have lived in the moments that call this list to existence. These moments can not be explained.

New Entry to my God Moments:
wrote my pastor a letter.
in short, why did this happen to Ivey? what did I do to cause her suffering?

24 hours after letter to pastor:
ran into an acquaintance at TJ Max, of all places! just that acquaintances, just enough to have a great conversation when we see one another, but not call on the phone just to chit-chat. spoke about Ivey - she answered my letter even though she did not know it. I never mentioned this burden to her; very rarely do I talk about it any more.
she said it has been weighing on her to let me know - YOU DID NOT DO THIS - there is more to this story, but it is our story.

A God Moment.

Gwen

Comments

Connie Barris said…
Dear Gwen and Matt,
We met sometime ago. My daughter was in your class at school, Chyenne. And my niece, Christa is your babysitter.
Your journal has been such a ministry. I have some dear friends going through a difficult time right now. They just learned their 3 year old son has Muscular Dystrophy. I have given them your blogsite to help them along with their journey. They are such wonderful Christians and know God has such a plan for their lifes.
I wanted to share a devotional I had written for Ivey after she was born. It's fitting now after reading your recent entry.
(Jeremiah 20:18) - "Why did I come forth from the womb to see labour and sorrow."
Does God Make Mistakes?
"Ivey Elizabeth Sirmans was born Tuesday April, 25th 2006 at 5:26 a.m. She weighed 5 lbs 11 oz and is 17 inches long. She has beautiful long fingers and toes like Gwen, her mom and her hair is dark like Matt's. She loves to be touched and is happiest when she is being held. Ivey is a strong little one who is breathing on her own. Her strength is a blessing as she will face some challenges in the future. The initial genetic testing showed Ivey has a partial deletion of chromosome 21. There are many tests pending, and as we find out more, we will let everyone know those results. She has a double cleft palate and a cleft lip which will require surgery at some point in the future. She is blind and partially deaf. The aortic valve in her heart has 2 leaflets instead of 3."
www.iveysirmans.blogspot.com

Gwen, Ivey's mom, was my daughters' teacher in High School. Now my niece baby-sits for Ivey's brothers. It's always different when you know someone, isn't it? You feel more of a connection, more of a passion to pray for them.
When I heard the news, I initially wondered how God could have made a mistake. But God doesn't make mistakes. This entire situation was filtered through God before Ivey was ever born. For some reason Gwen and Matt were held up high in God's eyes as special parents to receive the love of this special child.
And as we remember God's promise, "God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God....." (Romans 8:28)
It may be hard to see the good in this. And whether Ivey is with us for a few days, a few weeks or for a life time, she is here for a specific purpose.....

Please be in prayer for the Sirmans family and Ivey......

You all have been in our families prayers from day one.

Your journey is a true inspiration of God's power. I pray one day you put it into a book to share with the world. You guys are on a special journey

Connie Barris
No, it is NOT your fault. I did the same kind of questioning after a miscarriage. It didn't make sense, and it still doesn't. I wish sometimes we knew why God chooses to write the story of our lives the way He does. I don't think God minds us asking the questions - He can handle it. I love Jesus' answer about the blind man in John 3 was, "Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life."

I'm glad you are writing everything down and even sharing some of your feelings here. Complete nonsense rambling would be totally acceptable, because (whether it feels like it or not) it is the work of God being displayed in Ivey's little life. And in yours. Thank you.
Anonymous said…
My wife, Isata, mentioned this site to me. She is Ivey's nurse.
Ivey is fortunate to have been born from a wonderful, loving and devoted family; and even when things happen, our elders often say, it is for a reason. Unfortunately, sometimes we (the children of God) may not fully comprehend an answer to God's work. We ask questions because we want answers. we want someone to give us any answer, maybe answer that would satisfy us. Ivey is blessed, and at peace with God. For God is the most merciful and all knowing.

Continue to keep the faith. Don't loose it. Our prayers are with you and your family, and may God Almighty continue to keep you all together.

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