The Dark Side

I have to finally get this off of my chest.

Once upon a time when Ivey was in the NICU, our neonatologist suggested I get a notebook, literally a spiral notebook. Her instructions were to write down what was on my mind. Not some sappy journal, just my thoughts. Quote, “Write your grocery list if it is on your mind. You need to organize your thoughts.” At that time I could not complete a spoken sentence without jumping to another topic - complete nonsense rambling accompanied with the look of a deer trapped in the head lights.

So I got a notebook. It is small. I keep it in my purse. You will find all kind of ramblings in it from doctors’ appointments, reminders, questions, thoughts, song lyrics, schedules, telephone numbers, scribbles and of course grocery lists.

I try to organize my thoughts and especially my memories about this journey with Ivey periodically into another notebook or onto the computer. If something keeps burdening me, I put it on the blog. I know it is strange to put some of my most personal feelings about my family on one of the most non personal of displays. But for me, it has been my way of saying it out loud. More specifically, to scream it aloud! And maybe to help someone else, I have nothing to hide. Our ‘new normal’ is nothing to be secretive or quite about.

So, here I go…..

There is a dark side to this journey with Ivey. It began the moment I laid eyes on my precious baby girl and heard her symptoms uttered. The darkness of Ivey’s condition follows me everyday, all day. I can not shake it. I can not sleep without it crossing in my dreams. When I look at my sons, I see a ghost of it. As Ivey smiles at me, I get a glimpse of it. When I stretch her tight muscles, I feel the tension of it. Watching her sleep, I feel the drudge of it. Listening to her breathe, I hear the whisper of it. Good days, bad days, sad days, happy days, fun days, it is always there.

No prayer, tear, scream, husband, doctor, mother, or friend has persuaded it from me.

“What did I do to cause my child to suffer?”

I know I did not personally do this to Ivey! Nonetheless, the shadow of this is always following me around, sun or no sun. This is not something that is gently lifted away just because I ask for it. This is the fate of being a mother. The most prestigious and self fulfilling of careers still has a dark side, especially when your child is hurt or sick.

You will find in my notebook a list among several lists. I am most positive that the list could have several explanations; however, I know in my heart that this list exists only because of one person. This list could easily be explained by random chance, luck, coincidence, or the longing of a needy mother, but I have lived in the moments that call this list to existence. These moments can not be explained.

New Entry to my God Moments:
wrote my pastor a letter.
in short, why did this happen to Ivey? what did I do to cause her suffering?

24 hours after letter to pastor:
ran into an acquaintance at TJ Max, of all places! just that acquaintances, just enough to have a great conversation when we see one another, but not call on the phone just to chit-chat. spoke about Ivey - she answered my letter even though she did not know it. I never mentioned this burden to her; very rarely do I talk about it any more.
she said it has been weighing on her to let me know - YOU DID NOT DO THIS - there is more to this story, but it is our story.

A God Moment.

Gwen