Seriously, some days I just pray that I don't drive them insane in my own attempt to handle myself and all of the crazies that can come with Ivey. Did I just say that? Trust me, I have driven enough friends crazy in the wake of my own "Getting it Together" that many are probably seeking some kind of therapy on my account. I won't even begin to tell you what my husband thinks of me some days. But he did say for better or worse, right?
I can only imagine the insanity that the boys witness at my own expense...
From the beginning, our boys have been of primary concern. At first I thought of harboring them from other peoples' opinions of "our life", more specifically "their lives". It seems someone always has an opinion of how to "do it better". It feel insufficient that we are just doing what we "can" in sheer survival mode. Or maybe they get that, but are apt to fix us. Despite my own issues and judgementally observations, I finally succumbed to the fact that there must be more, so many more individuals with more to offer who are living "it" or have lived "it as an actual sibling. So I sent the boys to a Sibshop a couple of years ago. For the record, that's the best decision that I've ever made. Let me say that again... best decision... E.v.e.r.
Finish reading this and then Google sibshops and find the closest one to you. If you can't send your kids to a sibshop today, read everything you can get your hands on that Don Meyer wrote.
His words are, now don't freak out when I say this, the bible for raising siblings who have a brother or sister with special needs. I do believe that God indoctrinated special people to help him out when needed. God granted Don Meyer this special ability.
Deciding to send the boys to a Sibshop originally came down to one factor. Influence. How would other kids influence my kids?
In a nutshell, would other kids give my kids ideas about their sister that was oblivious to them before the sibshop?
I've read about and even witnessed siblings who resent the one with special needs.
Yet on the other hand, I have seen amazing kids, years beyond their age, who worship their special need siblings and all that it brings.
This past week I had another mom (one with a special needs child) reflect my first fears of exposing the boys to other siblings who have a sibling with special needs . She mentioned the influence they may have - specifically the negative influences. So maybe I'm not the only one with these fears.
Before I go any further let me state my disclaimer. By no means do I have this thing figured out. I screw it up, sorry for that, but it is true, all, and I mean all the time. I sometimes just sit a revel at just how lucky I have it, yet parenting, a scary subject. There's just so much at stake. In life a trying situation comes up, someone comes to help. We need help juggling schedules, family and friends come to the rescue. But parenting is strictly left for the parent. No help. So I stress, when it comes to my parenting skills with the boys, I am just winging it, just like the rest of the world.
My boys and I have talked and I know there are areas of their lives where Ivey's circumstances restrict them, alter them and I must pointout, sometimes even embarrass them. I am sure there are thoughts and feelings they will never verbally admit to me. But here's the kicker, the boys embarrass Ivey and I sometimes when we are out in public. You know what I'm talking about, the pitching fits, hiding under the racks and begging for some candy or toy that they are NOT going to get. Well honestly, sometimes it gets on my nerves and just down right embarrasses me. That's right, the street runs both ways. I can be embarrassed too. And the bottomline is this, it makes me question my parenting skills on top of everything else. Another whammy.
Ivey is special but not resistant. I'm sure Ivey is not harbored from feeling embarrassment at the hands of her brothers. When one boys told me that Ivey yelling in public embarrassed him, I reminded him of just those things. Need I remind you all of the clutter basket? Heck, she tooted in public the other day and I was embarrassed. No one knew what to do, especially me. Hard lines must be drawn. As I told the boys their occassional unruly loud selves do infact embarrass us in public from time-to-time. Can you imagine, they were stunned! Nevertheless, it doesn't make us love them less ... nor do we want Ivey there any less... it's the bare facts ladies and gentlemen. We must learn to deal with it.
I have also learned that there are many ways in which Ivey will influence the boys' path in life that I will be oblivious. To try and avoid this little glitch, which is impossible. I have considered following my friend Jennifer around with a mini recorder as to not miss out on anything informative or life altering that she may offer up. Jennifer knows what it is like to live in the wake of a sibling with special needs. She lived it and she lost it. Lost it, lost her sister. She has gone the full gamut. She ran that marathon as a kid. She carries her sister in her heart. Even as an adult she persued a PhD and now serves siblings of special needs kids around Georgia. She teaches them what she learned... the hard way. She is what I hope for my boys to become.
It takes stepping out of my box and stepping into the boys' box the best I can, when I can, and when I can't, we merely thrive on the sheer honesty. Honesty can be brutal sometimes. Where the general public gets the opportunity to look away or change the subject, my boys do not have that priveledge. So honesty comes in many forms. The need to know what is really going on in their own home. Some days I want to kick honesty to the door. But it is the best policy when it comes to Ivey and her influence over them - Life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride. (Gary Allen song) The boys have concerns and fears that I sometimes need to have pointed out to me. Directly. Crammed up in my face some days. It is easy to get all wrapped up in Ivey's cuteness and her craziness. The rat race. Sometimes I'm just wrapped up in my own stuff - not selfish - human, I am human.
The boys have their own individualized concerns, something us parents, specifically me, easily forget. The "typical" siblings are often throw into the "sibling" category. They become one in the same, no individuality, no separation. Just imagine being a child who hears their sibling labeled "special" and they are merely "typical". It took Walker inquiring about that one day for me to see labels for what they are really worth. Did you know I spend more time than not telling the boys just how "un"special Ivey is. Finally it is starting to make since to them. "Special" is just a word. Miserable at times, necessary and unavoidable all the same. I can't count the times my three children have been divided as "Ivey" and "The Boys" or "Special" and "Typical". Just read this blog, dead ringer of what I mean.
Seriously, all of this is beyond the actual point of this post.
My purpose in this post is to brag on both boys. I also wanted to remember a moment with my oldest son. Really there are days I can not believe that they actually lived a brief nine months in this body because they can be so awesome. They are so much more than me.
Thursday the boys went to Georgia State University with two other siblings from the great state of Georgia (the other two being 15 and 18 years old) to sit on a panel of siblings who have special needs siblings. They answered questions from college undergrads as to what it's like to be a sibling. Matt and I did not sit in on the class, rather we walked Ivey around downtown Atlanta. So as for their responses to the class, I don't know. They definitely did not need their parents in the room monitoring their comments. But from what I hear, they rocked the room.
Saturday morning I got a glimpse into the grandeur of Ivey's existence in my oldest son's life, just a tip of some magnificent iceberg in the making. It is a remote influence that is independent of me or my husband. It was a moment completely dependent on one boy and his own personal relationship with his sister. Divine moment.
When my oldest son woke up, laying next to me in bed, sleepy eyes and all, this is what he said....
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Mom, do you think I will have a baby with special needs when I grow up?
***(Oh dear Lord, where is this going to go?) (Shiver of fear runs down my back and a momentary pain in my heart.) (Get it together Gwen and don't let this be the moment he tells the psychiatrist about later on in his adulthood...) ***
I don't know, most likely not, but there is always that possibility.
***(Come on Gwen...Be honest and real, but don't scare him or shut him down....) ***
But, Ivey's medical condition was just a random act of nature, nothing that you should worry about, it's not something that you can pass to your children.
Oh. (Disappointed look)
Are you worried that you might? ***(A grave concern for many siblings.)***
No, not worried. I want a baby like Ivey.
Why's that? ***(Trying to contain my shocked, yet, relieved face. Still, I'm reeling for where this conversation is heading. He wants his own like her? Wow. Even as an adult it took some getting used to.. He sees something most people obviously miss.) ***
Well, I get to do a lot of things that my friends don't because of her.
(Like jump to the front of the line at Disney. An all time favorite. A definite perk to having a sister like Ivey. MY girl does comes with some fring benefits.)***
There's a lot of things you don't get to do too.
I know, but I get to do so many things.
She is a lot of responsibility.
***(He does forget to brush his teeth, daily. Oh, did he feed his dog yesterday? Really? All those meds and feedings ... many times a day. Oh dear.) (But he did sit in front of college students and talk about what it's like to be him. What exactly was I doing at age 9? Definitely not that.) ***
What if I don't have a baby like Ivey?
***(Now what do I say?) ***
Well, if you want and you and your wife decide to, you can always adopt a special needs baby.
You can do that?
Yes, your dad and I have talked about it after you and Walker grow up.
Why would you wait?
Well, we want to try to give you and your brother and Ivey the world while we can.
Well, I don't think I want to adopt one that is the age that I am now. I think I'll get one that's at least two or three months old.
*** At this point I can't speak any more because I'm trying to figure out how this wonderful child came to be and imagine just what his future looks like.
And, it goes without saying that I am stunned that I actually birthed this child.
Good thing though... it was time to go watch cartoons... back to being a child for a few more minutes.
This post isn't really to share with anyone. More so...that I may never forget it.
