Thanks so much to everyone who is bringing a meal this week. Special thanks to all of the faithful blog readers who continue to pray for the Sirmans family and write notes of love and support.

Just a little update on Ivey.

Ivey is still in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit (PICU) at Scottish Rite. It is still estimated to be a two week stay. Ivey does have a trach and is currently on the respirator. She is still on a paralytic, which paralyses her body. This is to prevent her from pulling on her new trach. She will be weaned from the respirator sometime within the next two weeks. Also, she is still heavily sedated; therefore, no pain.

This trach business is all new to me also. I have had 24 hours to read a little; here is a short overview. A tracheotomy is a surgical procedure where an incision is made in the trachea (windpipe). This procedure forms a temporary or sometimes permanent opening in the trachea. A tube is inserted through the opening to allow for air and the removal of secretions. Basically, Ivey will breathe through the tracheostomy tube rather than her nose.

I would love to try and explain the problem that the surgeons found in her trachea; however, a diagram would work much better. It is hard to explain. Without the tracheostomy, the ENT (ear, nose and throat physician) explained that Ivey would probably not survive another common cold. The opening in her windpipe was too restricted. This explains the events of Ivey's last hospital stay. No explanation could be found to explain why she had such a very high respiratory rate and a plummeting heart rate. Now we know why. In hind sight, Matt and I are grateful that we did not know how close we have been to loosing Ivey.

Thank you all for your love and prayers. Matt and I have needed the extra hugs. This was a very sudden and unexpected turn of events. I was so excited for Ivey to be freed of her mouth appliance; never did I imagine she would come home with such a drastic new gadget. Ivey is stable; however, this has been a shock to her tiny 10 pound body. It is hard to see our sweet baby attached to so many machines. She is still very swollen from her surgery. Right now she does have leads and IV’s in each of her arms and feet, not to mention the tubes connecting her to the respirator. She is also under a heat lamp to help maintain her body temperature. Please keep her in your thoughts through out the days to come.

Matt and I have been very comforted by the emails and comments on the blog. Being away from home is hard and the encouragement and support has been much needed. It truly makes a difference to know so many people love and care for us. We just ask that you all just pray for Ivey and her brothers. Your encouragement has meant the world to us.

Much Love +
Gwen

Ivey's Surgery - October 27, 2006

Today Ivey went into the operating room for surgery at 7:30 am. Within 20 minutes, the plans for the day changed. The surgery team found that Ivey's airway was unattainable. A deformity of Ivey's airway was detected, something that we were unaware of until now. Therefore, the primary surgery for the day was to perform a trachaeotomy. After the trachea was inserted, the craniofacial surgeon did elect to perform her lip surgery. She also received tubes in her ears. Ivey now has a sweet complete nose and mouth.

Currently, Ivey is in the PICU here at Scottish Rite (Children's Health Care of Atlanta). She is under heavy sedation, a drug has also been administered to paralyze her tiny little body, along with this she is receiving medication/antibiotics. Sedating and paralyzing Ivey will ensure that the trachea will heal properly. She is also on a respirator. Ivey will remain in this condition for one week. The physicians indicate that Ivey will be here in the PICU for at least two weeks. The trachea will be temporary; however, it will remain in her for months. This is to help with the surgeries that we know are in her future.

The physicians have indicated that the issue with Ivey's airway will need surgery. The surgery to correct this will occur months from now after she has some growing time.

Please keep Ivey in your prayers tonight and for the next few weeks. Knox and Walker will need them too. Ivey's stay in the hospital was very tough on the boys while Ivey was in the NICU after her birth. This will be much more demanding on them. The blessings of our small town will be needed now more than ever.

Much Love+
Gwen

Blessings in Disguise

I really wanted to sit down and let you all some of the thoughts and emotions that have been hanging around my head in the past week; but honestly, I am just too tired. Pretty much, I am at the point where I can not think in a coherent pattern. The best way to sum up this week is to say we are just moving on. As of Monday night, we are in a new house. It does sound insane to think we moved the weekend before Ivey’s surgery - many boxes are yet to be emptied. Personally, I think it has been great timing. There have been too many things to do; therefore, to much to do to keep me from lingering on the week/weeks to come.

Matt and I will take Ivey to meet with the surgeon tomorrow for pre-op. Her surgery to close the cleft in her lip and correct her nose will be on Friday. The palate will follow months from now.

Ivey is a beautiful 10 pound baby girl. Today she is six months old. She is all I ever dreamed of and then some. Did I tell you she rolled over for the first time last week? This is an accomplishment that has been questionable by many in the past few months. She is very blessed to be surrounded by so many people who love her and pray for her, even those who she has never met. I am astounded at the sight of our two little boys who are absolutely smitten with their baby sister. She is perfect in their eyes.

I received a card today. To say the least, it helped to get me to tonight.

Blessings in Disguise (by emily matthews)

The world is full of miracles to those who recognize them,
But we have to look the right way since God sometimes will disguise them.
He shines His light in places where we’d least expect Him to,
And often does the opposite of what we think He’ll do….
He has a way of bringing out the best within the worst
The moment we stop worrying and choose to put Him first,
And if we do, He’ll pull us through and help us find the door
That opens to the very thing that we’d been looking for.

And then is said:

We walk by faith, not by sight
2 Corinthians 5:7

We have officially moved! Hurray. If you know anyone who is looking for an adorable house, we have one on the market.

Traffic and Potties

This has been a pretty busy and exciting week. Between preparing for our move this weekend, doctor’s appointments, and activities with the boys, there are several topics of conversation that I would love to cover. However, I think I will stick to two topics, traffic and potties.

I had the luxury of house shopping yesterday. I have come to one conclusion; I am not patient enough to live in Atlanta. I have a new respect for my brother in-law and sister in-law, who for the most part, live smack in the middle of Atlanta traffic. I fight the morning rush hour at least once a week on my journeys with Ivey and her specialists. Normally, Ivey’s appointments are early and I am too nervous to care much about the traffic. I do pity the poor soul who has been selected to ride with me - LOCKED - in a moving vehicle during the infinite ride to and from Atlanta. Keep in mind; here lately I have had a limited amount of contact with adults. This computer has been my main means of communication. I imagine between the nervous jitter talk and the ‘I need an adult conversation talk’, the person in the car with me is looking for the escape hatch. Anyway, yesterday evening when it took me an hour to make it from 16th Street to the Canton exit on I-75, I decided that I am not cut out for the traffic.

Two reasons:

One, I realized that I could not remember navigating my car for the past two exists. Not one thing about the 15 minutes that had elapsed could be recalled: not driving, changing the radio, applying the brakes - nothing. A pink elephant wearing a tutu could have walked in front of me and I did not see it. Somehow I managed to negotiate between lanes and break lights without consciousness. Actually, I don’t even now if I changed lanes.

Two, I am a people watcher. It is amazing what people do when they think no one is watching or forget that others are watching. So during the time that I was conscious, I watched the people sitting in the cars around me. In a nutshell, people are strange! My breaking point in this drive was when the 800 year old man pulled up beside me in his Z car and did the up-down of my minivan with a funny little grin on his face. It should be a law that moms with minivans should have a red sports car to drive when the kids aren’t with her. What makes this worse, there was a truck driver that actually honked his horn and smiled down at me through my open sun roof! Hello.... minivan equals mom.

Now about potties. Today I finally figured out why God gave me two sons. When one child says they need to potty, we all go, along with all of our equipment (stroller, feeding pump, Ivey’s pink bag, purse/diaper bag, Walker’s blanket, and all of Knox’s gadgets). Obviously, all of these things do not fit into one stall. So today as Knox proudly announced, with the stall door open, “Mommy, I can reach the potty STANDING” to everyone in the vicinity while Walker watched in admiration, I realized why I have boys.

So did the lady in the restroom with us.

The unnamed middle child

I have despairingly resorted back to my book Children: the Challenge, which was encouraged by my pediatrician. (Note the key word here, ‘my’ pediatrician.) . Of course this book was published in the 60’s, I will admit things have changed. I have read it so that I can honestly say that I have when he refers to it.

Tonight as we were eating dinner at our neighborhood Applebee’s, my middle child, whom will remain nameless in this story, reminded me that I have been meaning to evolve my seemingly minimal parenting skills.

Let’s reflect here. On September 8, 2004, as I was awaiting my precious new born son, visions of the joys of a new baby and all of the sweet things to come were still floating in the air. Never mind the numbness of the last Percoset had yet to wear off ….

Two years and a little over one month later and no more Percosets, I must say, the now unnamed middle child keeps things interesting around here. I can remember my mom saying, “If your sister had been the first born, we would have never had you.” She always meant this in the most loving of manners. Keep in mind, I am the oldest, and I had eight long built-in-to-be-the-babysitter years accumulated before my baby sister entered the world. It goes without saying, I asked my mom the other day if my middle child acted like me; she said “No (sigh of relief here), he acts like your sister”. (Dum, D-Dum, Dum, Duuuuum!) (I love my sister very much!)

So tonight while eating in our delightful neighborhood Applebee’s, my unnamed middle child was turned in his chair again to smile with spinach dip, honey mustard and ketchup smeared across his face and stare at the polite gentleman seated behind us. I warned him for the 500th time to ‘Turn around’. After being asked to eat his meal and he returned with ‘not tell my to eat’, I finally threatened (with the penalty to be just that, threatened, not actually delivered. Discipline is much too hard in restaurants.) to take him to the restroom. I quickly stood to give the appearance of actually following through with my threat…..my middle child turned quickly in his chair, folded his chubby little hands together and began “God is great, God is good…” with the sweetest devilish smile and squeezed both eyes shut (that is how he winks), then peeked from under his long dark eyelashes…

What were we to do? No escape, we laughed. I know, I know, a great big NO-NO!

So, back to the drawing board we go.

Parenting skills 101: Children: THE CHALLENGE (during the terrible two’s).

Friday the 13th

Man----have I been gloomy. The only excuse I can come up with is Ivey's surgery is creeping up on us. I know it is not a good excuse to bring the rest of you down. And that's just it, I am not down - it is just that it is f.r.e.a.k.i.n.g me o.u.t! I am so excited about her surgery that I can't sit still, then the little gwen voice in the back of my mind reminds me that the surgery will be tough on her. So, I have been venting on the rest of you....SORRY.... and trying to spare my sweet husband. I drive him insane worrying. You will probably agree, and trust me, it is okay to roll your eyes at me.....I completely asked for it.

Ivey's surgery is scheduled for Friday, October 27th at Scottish Rite. I really can't give you much more detail than that. We will take Ivey on the 26th for pre-op and find out more info then. During the surgery he, the surgeon, will repair Ivey's nose and lip. Months later the palate will be corrected. As far as we know, she will remain in the hospital over night, then come home.

I keep trying to download my latest photos (they spand over 4 months) of Ivey to the computer. It is a no go. My computer is not cooperating. Of course, my computer never cooperates with me. I am sure it is the computer, the operator completely knows what she is doing! I really want you all to see her precious self.

I was doing my check in with Sarah @ In The Midst of It and she was doing a little meme. I never participate in these meme's but thought I would give it a try.

If I had five minutes to myself:
1. I would not know what to do. I am at a loss without chaos encircling me.
2. I would read the instruction manual to my camera and computer so I could down load 4 months worth of pictures.
3. I would return calls to the 100 + people who have called and I have yet to give them the time of day. Take that back, I might take the phone of the hook.
4. Have my hair cut
5. Get a message and a pedicure.

If I had $5 to spend:
1. I don't think anything I want right now is less than 5$. Sorry Matt!
2. Possibly play the lottery. I am feeling lucky this FRIDAY THE 13TH.
3. Buy one of those huge chocolate chip cookies at Barnes and Noble.
4. Get a caffe mocha from Panera. (I couldn't get the cookie though, that would be more than 5)
5. knowing me, I would probably loose it.

Five Items I'd love to get rid of:
1. Ivey's feeding up/I would rather her take a bottle.
2. Any toy that provokes an arguement. Any toy that makes noise. Any toy with parts.
3. The Thomas the Train table substituting for a coffee table.
4. Our trash compactor. Walker will not leave it alone - all I hear all day long is the grind of it turning on and off.
5. OUR HOUSE! I am so ready to move!!!!!!!!

Five Items I wouldn't part with
1. My computer. It is my link to the world, friends and family.. is anyone out there???
2. My notebook and calendar.
3. coffee. breakfast blend.
4. Dove dark chocolate bars.
5. I am at a loss here.

Five Words or Phrases I'd love to hear
1. Honey, you can have the remote today.
2. I think I will take the children today, all day, I will even pack a diaper bag.
3. Yes.
4. I won the lottery. (from my five dollars)
5. You don't have to get it. I know where it is.

The Dark Side

I have to finally get this off of my chest.

Once upon a time when Ivey was in the NICU, our neonatologist suggested I get a notebook, literally a spiral notebook. Her instructions were to write down what was on my mind. Not some sappy journal, just my thoughts. Quote, “Write your grocery list if it is on your mind. You need to organize your thoughts.” At that time I could not complete a spoken sentence without jumping to another topic - complete nonsense rambling accompanied with the look of a deer trapped in the head lights.

So I got a notebook. It is small. I keep it in my purse. You will find all kind of ramblings in it from doctors’ appointments, reminders, questions, thoughts, song lyrics, schedules, telephone numbers, scribbles and of course grocery lists.

I try to organize my thoughts and especially my memories about this journey with Ivey periodically into another notebook or onto the computer. If something keeps burdening me, I put it on the blog. I know it is strange to put some of my most personal feelings about my family on one of the most non personal of displays. But for me, it has been my way of saying it out loud. More specifically, to scream it aloud! And maybe to help someone else, I have nothing to hide. Our ‘new normal’ is nothing to be secretive or quite about.

So, here I go…..

There is a dark side to this journey with Ivey. It began the moment I laid eyes on my precious baby girl and heard her symptoms uttered. The darkness of Ivey’s condition follows me everyday, all day. I can not shake it. I can not sleep without it crossing in my dreams. When I look at my sons, I see a ghost of it. As Ivey smiles at me, I get a glimpse of it. When I stretch her tight muscles, I feel the tension of it. Watching her sleep, I feel the drudge of it. Listening to her breathe, I hear the whisper of it. Good days, bad days, sad days, happy days, fun days, it is always there.

No prayer, tear, scream, husband, doctor, mother, or friend has persuaded it from me.

“What did I do to cause my child to suffer?”

I know I did not personally do this to Ivey! Nonetheless, the shadow of this is always following me around, sun or no sun. This is not something that is gently lifted away just because I ask for it. This is the fate of being a mother. The most prestigious and self fulfilling of careers still has a dark side, especially when your child is hurt or sick.

You will find in my notebook a list among several lists. I am most positive that the list could have several explanations; however, I know in my heart that this list exists only because of one person. This list could easily be explained by random chance, luck, coincidence, or the longing of a needy mother, but I have lived in the moments that call this list to existence. These moments can not be explained.

New Entry to my God Moments:
wrote my pastor a letter.
in short, why did this happen to Ivey? what did I do to cause her suffering?

24 hours after letter to pastor:
ran into an acquaintance at TJ Max, of all places! just that acquaintances, just enough to have a great conversation when we see one another, but not call on the phone just to chit-chat. spoke about Ivey - she answered my letter even though she did not know it. I never mentioned this burden to her; very rarely do I talk about it any more.
she said it has been weighing on her to let me know - YOU DID NOT DO THIS - there is more to this story, but it is our story.

A God Moment.

Gwen

The 4 o'clock Meltdown

That is the term I use to describe life in my house once the clock hits 4:00 pm.

-A Complete Meltdown-

Let’s take last Friday for example. Everyone was tired, bored and itching to drive the other crazy. Walker was hitting Knox on top of the head like Fred Flintstone, Knox was whining in return to Walker’s pestering and Walker was also jiggling Ivey telling her to “Waaaake Uuuuuup!” every time she tried to nap. Ivey’s irritability was exaggerated due to the fact that the four previous nights she had gone to bed somewhere past 4:00 am. And mom, me, was at the brink of insanity.

Walker is our energizer bunny. Obviously. By the time 4:00 pm rolled around, our time was up.

That’s when one of my bestest friends came on over for a spontaneous play date, she too was at the brink of insanity.

So, there we were, 2 moms and 6 children. All of the children are shorter than your waste. The chaos…the madness. And the best part, my three year old forgot the concept of sharing….but remembered the concept of whining and tattling. Please tell me this is part of the TRYING three’s. Anyways, the Gang from Garner and Glover sent dinner over. Delicious….

Cindy and Linda showed up at our door at 4:30; fortunately, the 4:00 o’clock meltdown was in full swing. It was great to watch Cindy and Linda share combined looks of surprise, confusion, Oh My Gosh and somewhat inundation at the sight of our combined six children running rowdily through my house.

So, if you know anyone who needs a dose of natural birth control, send them on over to my house around 4:00 o’clock in the afternoon, any day of the week, but especially on Fridays!

The MOM in control!

Knox is Getting Married

In Sunday’s paper an article read of a relationship between a husband and his departed wife. It was a very sweet memory of his time with his wife; all the same, he was able to spin-off from it and laugh a little, despite the obvious hurt from the loss of his wife. The humor of the article was of an issue most husbands I know seem to struggle, especially my husband. -At Home Decisions- In the article the widowed husband discussed the nature of making decisions with and with out the presence of his departed wife. Ultimately, before his wife’s death, all decisions were based on the preference of his wife. He was so impressed with himself and his ability to match the appropriate tie with his outfit in the past year without his wife, at least that is what his daughters and granddaughters told him. (Are you getting the joke here?) With closer examination, Matt’s decision making district of his brain, whether it is conscience on subconscious, forms decisions on what he thinks I really want. It is pretty funny when you think about it. Husbands seem to revolve around making the wife happy, probably at their own expense - the majority of the time.

As I was reading the article aloud to Matt, Knox walked into the room. The coincidence of this is almost impossible; nevertheless, our son, who is 3, is already waning to the call of female persuasion.

Knox enters room right on cue: “I am going to marry Cappie.”

Matt: “How do you know?”

Knox: “Because Cappie told me so.”

Matt: “Your mom told me the same thing.” (This one line is a story its self!)

Just a reminder!

We still have dates available for meals. We are providing meals in October on Tuesdays and Thursdays and meals for the week following Ivey's surgery. The surgery is scheduled for Friday October 27th. If you want to help with providing a meal for the Sirmans please contact, Miranda Styles at mirandastyles@comcast.net. Thanks so much for your help!

I have come to one conclusion. If Ivey survives her brothers, she can survive ANYTHING!

Sisters in Heart

I watched her say ‘I do’. I have often wondered what she thinks about when she looks at her wedding pictures. Wedding days are filled with hopes and dreams full of bliss and romance, the idea of hard times to come completely nonexistent. Here she is only a short few years later with a tower of a husband, two small children and now she has cancer.

An email I received yesterday made me think of her. The email was about sisters, all sisters, girlfriends, mothers, daughters, aunts, mother-in-laws, sister-in-laws, and cousins. No matter the family you make, the sisters are the ones to see you through, women need one another. Personally, I have experienced the strength of sisters. I hope my friend feels the same assurance from her sisters. Now like no other time, she needs us, her sisters in heart.

She has been my friend since elementary school. Now she lives on the same block. She is a person of love and compassion who never wants to burden anyone with her trials and tribulations. The past few years of her life have been intertwined with the news of pregnancies, melanoma, births, radiation, changing diapers, strokes, first steps, surgeries, and birthday parties. Yet, every time I see her she has a smile.

As tough as this is, I hope she knows there is a circle of sisters cheering her on. She will make it through this. We will be on the edge of the valley waiting and if we have to, we will walk down to carry her out.

Gwen.