All of God's Children

I remember the first time it was suggested that maybe, just perhaps, Ivey's brokenness (from a certain vantage point), was possibly, just maybe, due to some sin that existed, maybe because of me, maybe Matt  - and unimaginably - Ivey was bearing that cross, wearing that sin for all the world to see.

The first time - that suggestion caught me off guard.  I used to know the scripture that might even suggest it.  I have forced myself to forget it.

But every now and then, the shadows creep in, and I wonder.

A few weeks ago I sat in the pew during church and again was caught off guard when our rector mentioned a similar scenario that he had witnessed many years before, at another church - where someone asked "What did these children do to deserve this?" and the person that was being asked the question responded back "And what did you do to not?" -- Amen sister!!  I find it hard to believe that there is a scoreboard in heaven.  At least not one of that kind.

All of God's children sin.  Each one of us he knit in a womb, unique.  He wove us and bound us together, he knows who we are and especially what we are and why we were placed here on this Earth in this moment of time.  We are ALL God's children.  Each and everyone of us.  I can't imagine him picking and choosing those who are not worthy enough and making them pay some ultimate price, whether it is internal or external scars, or both, or some other battle for that matter.  We all sin and it is saddening to think that we humans find solace when we categorize sin, rank it, prioritize it, when in the end, not one of us makes it through the day without it.

He died for it.  All of it.

Every single human that will EVER inhabit this Earth - he died for, even if other's don't even believe it. Why isn't that enough people?
Why do we find comfort it justifying and excusing our own sin, while elevating the sins of another?

Every single sin committed by every single person HE paid the price for - for me, for Ivey, for our neighbors, for you, for our enemies, and for those who challenge our beliefs.  He died for us all.  No one has to accept it or believe it, nor do they have to see it the way I do, but sometimes it would be nice for those who claim to believe to not package us up into different boxes of sinners.  The worthy sinners and the unworthy sinners.

I look at my daughter and it is a beautiful sight.  And I AM blessed to be her mother.  For every tear or struggle, we have been blessed ten-fold.  Not everyone sees that, but honestly, opinions matter little to me about that.  What does matter is that she was knit uniquely in my body - right there in my tummy -  her purpose is clear.  So when I look at others, I see purpose and meaning - even when there are qualities in someone that my sinning self does not agree with or even like.  Still, I know they have a God given purpose.  Literally.  And maybe those who challenge me the most are my purpose, my responsibility, my light to see my own flaws.   I know others look at me and truly wonder that ultimate sin committed that needed punishing.  One sin does NOT define any of us.  We were made to be more than that.  I am more than that.

It doesn't happen often but every now and then someone musters the courage to ask me ... what I did to deserve this "punishment".   You would be surprised what people will ask, but then again .....

Curiosity seems to forget that people are involved and pain is felt.  Hearts get broken.  Guilt is layered. Self-doubt is doubled.  It breaks His heart I am sure.   Father Ard and I spoke about this very thing early in Ivey's life.  When someone questioned him, about his daughter, he stood strong.  He taught me to do the same. Oh the many ways and days that I have questioned God .. .. What a battle of good and evil that has taken place in my own mind from the mere suggestions.

But Ivey, and people like her, people who are "different", are a definite platform for fear.

Through the years I have tried to label that fear, tag it, explain it.  The sad part that I am discovering, the fear is not really someone's fear of Ivey, no, it is much more personal than that.  It is the fear of really not having any control over anything.

Ivey displays the lack of human control over a life.

We mask ourselves that we can control our lives, when in fact, we have absolutely no control over the next second on a clock let alone control over another being.  Events will happen. We will adapt.  Choices will be involved, but only a choice based on the circumstance at hand.  We do not get to choose the circumstances.  We may set ourselves on a collision course, but the options of forks in the road are handed to us from above.

We fear lack of control, and so we label everyone and everything around us, so that we sinning humans feel better about ourselves.  We feel we are in with God, rubbing elbows if you will.  We try to harness our inability to harness control.  He is in control, not us.  He knit us together, all of us.

Tomorrow we will celebrate a magnificent event.  Easter with all of its meaning always brings me back to these thoughts.  How can I possibly judge another's sin the way that others have possibly judged my own?  Scary thought.

To think that I was loved enough, before I was even made, that someone would die for me, I think that says it all about sin and God's reign over placing punishment in the life of a sinner.  I am God's child.  He loves me.  We are all God's children.  He loves each and everyone of us.  He died for ALL of us, not just the select few who think they do not sin quite as bad as the rest, those who skipped the punishment.

My girl - he made.

I tell you, Ivey Sirmans, and God's children like her, are as close as you can get to seeing God here in the flesh these days.  She loves whole heartedly.  She loves UNCONDITIONALLY.  My prejudices in this life leave her unfazed.  My flaws are not imposed in her nature.   I cannot teach her to do it any other way.  It is not in her making.  Just not there.  He knit her more perfectly than me.

Her choices are based on Faith.   The foundation of her relationships are based on something that you and I can not see.  She sees the heart of a person.  My daughter is the first person I have EVER met who truly does not respond to physical beauty or ugliness, wealth, gender, race, age, nationality or religious preferences.  She sees a human needing love, all the while only wanting their love - nothing more is wanted from them.

She loves those in her life much like God might if he were sitting among us sinners.  Unconditionally.

Can you imagine living with a person who loves a person whole heartedly for exactly who they are.  It is truly an amazing experience.  I learn so much from her every single day and still I fall short.  But she does not.  She lives the life that God intended all of us live with each other.  I am BLESSED  to be a witness.  The first question I will ask when I get that chance, "What did I do that was so right to have this amazing person in my life, what did I do to be so lucky?"  

It is a heavy cross that I will willingly carry with my daughter and my family -

He died for all of us, all of His children.

Happy Easter +

purpose driven life...

Update:  (Make sure to click on the link and read "The Brave Little Soul".)

Sometimes I really have to stop and wonder about Ivey's purpose in this world.  Literally stop and wonder, revel in the wonder.  Her little life marked such a drastic change in every single thing I thought  I knew in the years accumulated in this world before her birth.  All of which adds up to be basically - nothing.

I stop sometimes and look at myself in the mirror, literally.  I see changes, most of which I see I feel she changed, maybe a little from time and age, but more so my physical changes came from Ivey.  I see tired eyes and extra weight.  I'm learning to embrace both.  I don't like them but time restraints, sleepless nights and stress, well, they physically alter a person.  I'm learning to accept the external changes.  Why?  Well, what I see growing on the inside makes for a much prettier person.  And many might see that as two-fold.

Again, why?  Well, I have much more compassion and patience for those who need it.  I see beauty in the ugly.  On the flip side,  I have found that I have a much shorter forgiveness for those who have the ability but chose not to use it.

I see Ivey use every ounce of being in her compact body and I wonder even my purpose.  I gaze at her all tucked into her little crib and wonder how can this child be SO capable of changing hearts, when she is mute.  She doesn't speak a word and she digs right into the core of your soul, my soul.

The more time that goes by, the more I am convinced that she is pure perfection.  For so long I have spent countless hours trying to explain to myself that she is, in fact, perfect - no matter what anyone else sees or does not see in her.

I get the plethora of opinions - but put yourself in my shoes, I spend more than enough time discussing my daughter with specialists, therapists, teachers and the general public trying to convince them, and myself, that "this" is normal.  But, it is not.  Her life is different, and so inadvertently, my life is different.

And so her purpose:  To cause change.  change. change. change. change. change.

Change is hard.  Change pushes for more.  Know more.  Think more.  Be more.

But... the hardest

to FEEL more.

And there in lies a choice.  To stay the course, refuse the change thrown in your face, or embrace the change.  Either way, when you leave Ivey, like it or not, something about you IS changed.

Good God, just try living with her.

People new to Ivey's world see a puzzle missing pieces.  But, I am convinced, unwillingly convinced, Ivey is WHOLE.  She is all of the things we all should be, minus the things that really are unimportant.

Hard to imagine, but true.

She sees YOU.  the inside.  which really does scare the hell out of me sometimes.  literally.

She doesn't really need those eyes, your external beauty is irrelevant.  She doesn't need to hear the perfectly formed words placed into sentences.  No, your touch says it all.  She knows.  How, I do not know.  But she loves me, and that tells me there is something good...in me.  She knows.

What purpose lies in that?  I can't help but wonder.  Listening to the sermons that are preparing us for Easter, they are beautiful,  I still look at her and hear more.  I just wish everyone could hear That message.   I hear more from Ivey.  Suffering?  She exudes it.  And - she revels in it.  It is beautiful.

Can she express to you verbally who God is?  Nope.  Has He held her hand?  Yep, I am absolutely convinced of it. She has a relationship with Him that I strive for.  I think there are times he pushes the hair over on her forehead to comfort her and I am certain he plays games with her.  She giggles sometimes for no apparent reason.

Is there purpose in this life?  Yes.

Do I know its full extent?  No.

But am I honored to be a part of her story?  Absolutely.

Am I terrified?  One hundred percent.  Mainly I wonder if I am "enough" for her message.

Is she a Brave Little Soul?  I have no doubt. I have absolutely no doubt that these conversations do, in fact, take place.  I only wish I were that brave.

(Make sure to click on the link and read "The Brave Little Soul".)