Do It Right

Two weeks ago Knox asked me to tell him about when he was a baby. He continues to ask daily and I continue to tell him, each time I can remember a little more that I had somehow forgotten. He wants to know about being in my belly down and when he was born. It fascinates him. I like telling him his story-it makes us both smile.

I would be lying if I said that the past two weeks have been anything but perfect. Maybe that is why I have been so hesitant to post anything. Ivey has turned a corner with drastic changes, for crying out loud, she had a surgery on Friday the 13th and made it home by two o’ clock in the afternoon. It can not get much better than that. (Especially with our track record.) So, how in the world could I find something to worry about?

I’ll explain.

I think it all started with the realization that one year had almost come and gone while I just hovered above watching the person who was supposed to be me live my life. Is that possible? Then I remembered the real reason that I have not attempted Ivey’s baby book. And finally, I watched Eliot’s movie.

When I look back, it feels more like I have medically cared for Ivey more than I have been a mom to her. So much of my time is immersed in preparing formula, preparing a feeding pump, setting up breathing treatments, administering medications, performing some therapy, driving her to a doctor or worse sitting with her in a hospital and Lord knows the suctioning dominates my time with her. Only recently have I been able to carry her around on my hip like she was a baby. I just wonder if she understands how much I love her even though my quality of time with her is much different than with her brothers.

So, I pulled out Ivey’s scrapbook again. I had a lot of great suggestions and ideas that will make a great book for her. However, I keep ramming my head into the same brick wall. I can not remember. I try and try and try, but my mind is blank. I can remember going into labor. I can remember telling Matt, “This is IT”. I can remember going into the hospital. I can remember the delivery room. I can remember our conversations with each other, the nurses and our doctor. I can remember the delivery. It all makes me smile - even laugh.

Three ….. I can remember her birth.
Two …….I can remember my doctor kneeling next to my bed.
One ……..I remember they put her in my arms.

Nothing.

My memories with Ivey pick up about 4 days later. What will I tell Ivey when she asks me to tell her about her birth? How will I ever tell her that out of the miracle of her birth, during those moments, was only devistation? How will I ever tell her that I was uncertain if we would ever celebrate her first birthday? So as for the scrapbook, it will come together, in its own time and way. As for the future, I will someday tell her a great tale of a little girl who triumphed in the face of adversity and tragedy. I am so proud of her.

One of the initial thoughts about Ivey was that she might have Trisomy 18. This is a very grim genetic disorder that results in death soon after birth. We did not know if we would ever bring Ivey home. After genetic screens, it was concluded that her abnormality occurred on her 21st chromosome. Once home, I was introduced to Eliot’s blog. Eliot had Trisomy 18. I felt drawn to Eliot and to his parents. We all knew Eliot’s fate. Eliot lived for 99 days - a miracle. His death ripped me to my soul yet it seemed as if somehow Ivey got a second chance. God gave her more time; he gave us more time.

So this year on April 25th, I get a second chance to do it right. I will be in her room at five thirty in the morning - Laughing, singing, smiling and remembering.

If you would like to see Eliot’s movie click on 99 balloons.