Unchurching The Church.
My favorite Christmas song is "Mary, Did You Know?". No, it's not Christmas. On really hard days, I listen to the song, on loop, just to hear the one verse that provides Hope in the hard days.
The blind will see, the deaf will hear
The dead will live again
The lame will leap, the dumb will speak
The praises of the Lamb.
Do you think Mary knew? Did she know she was kissing the face of God?
Before Ivey, I thought I understood how it all worked in my own interpretation of who God is to me. Who I believed to be Jesus. Just a couple of weeks before Ivey was born, I had a conversation with one of my best friends, who would soon take on the role of being Ivey's Godmother and all its unknowing Glory, about the sins of the father mumbo jumbo. All of which led us down the path of what I believed, what she believed, and the core of the conversation, is God a punishing God? We had the conversation on a Sunday. Funny the things I remember. It wasn't a serious conversation, just an off topic conversation and one that would swing back around in a matter of weeks to be the keystone in building the foundation of my Life with Ivey. The conversation was put in my path with intention. I have no doubt, now.
In the immediate moments following Ivey's birth, I have only glimmers of memories. I can recall in detail the moment I knew something was wrong just from the change in Ray's voice. I remember the sound of Matt's voice. I remember the second Ray sat Ivey on my chest. I remember in vivid detail feeling the adrenaline drain through my arms and knowing the complications were more than a cleft lip.
From that second on, my memory is like Swiss cheese. I remember specific conversations on the postpartum hall with no means to put the memories in order or even the day in which they occurred. I do remember being back in the room and Matt telling me we should call the grandparents to let them know Ivey was here. She came into the world so fast - and in the middle of the night - we didn't call a soul. We waited though because I couldn't remember my mom's cell phone number or even my childhood phone number. Now I know, I was in shock, plus I had just given birth. Through those initial moments, I remember panicking in my own silent thoughts, did I do this to my daughter?
During this time my friend had gone on a trip with her hubby. It was their first trip since having twins. Matt and I agreed we wouldn't contact them until they returned. They needed the time away. They found out anyway. She sent me a telegram.
Through all the chaos swirling - I needed to ask her - did I do this? Were we wrong?
I still remember, just like it just happened, her opening the door to the hospital room. All I could do was say her name. She stopped me. "No", she said. "We talked about this. You know what you believe." That was that.
There are moments when the thought still creeps up. All these years later, I hold on to the sound of her voice telling me "No".
Since that moment, the world shifted.
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