It is actually beginning again. Life. I had my doubts that it would ever be possible, for me that is.
It has taken fourteen months for Life to begin idling and slowly proceed forward. Fourteen months and one day ago, the assumptions that I had about my life were much different than they are today. Fourteen months ago my daughter entered into this world. Her new Life began; my life stopped, or so it seemed. The glass house that I lived in came shattering down around me.
My daughter was born with many medical complications that were not detected before her birth. Her resume of medical trivia is long and extensive. Her resume at one time made even the best physicians and specialists cringe at the possibilities of her life, all of which were skeptical. Fourteen months later, my daughter astonishes those same people. She beat many odds and thrives in a world that she was never to participate. She, like all children, is a miracle. My daughter is what remains when there are no assumptions. She is faith at its best.
In the race for my daughter’s Life, I found myself questioning whether or not I would ever enjoy many of the wonders of Life ever again, where exactly did I fit in the puzzle? Life became dependant on medical jargon and fear of my daughter’s diagnosis. It was as if I existed only to provide medical care to my daughter. So I set out to find my Life. I began gluing shards of glass back together, but the pieces were always chipped beyond repair. I was trying to make Life what it was fourteen months and one day ago; Life before a special needs child with anophthalmia, a trach, feeding tube, a cleft lip/palate, a heart defect, and mental and physical disabilities. I kept looking for the old me to submerge from the rubble. Then the picture became very clear, the pieces were not meant to fit together. The old me no longer existed.
Just as my daughter is feeling her way around her world, so am I. I am learning that as hard as it is to let go of the past, the person I was, I must accept who I am now. Acceptance of change is a very big pill to swallow. My Life is challenging, but it is far from boring. Fourteen months later my daughter’s life is in full swing and my own life is beginning with a new foundation. There is no blueprint. My daughter has taught me through faith anything is possible, so is Life.
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10 comments:
That's awesome. It's amazing what children can teach us... how precious and valuable they are to us, but especially to the Lord. They have such simple and profound wisdom in their little hearts. What a gift that you are able to SEE Ivey, really see her, all of her, able to appreciate the millions of blessings she is to your life. Keep enjoying that precious girl of yours!
I absolutely loved this post and your encouragement. Thank you for encouraging me. That's really all I can say.
I know just partially, in a very small, tiny way how you feel. My unborn son (due July 11) has some fluid in his kidneys, which is not a huge problem in itself. We are just praying that there is nothing else wrong with him because many times it can be related to many other issues.
Thanks for the reminder though, that life DOES go on. I know that the Lord will guide us through whatever may come whether our baby be healthy, or healthy with some medical problems just as he has guided your family as well.
Thanks again.
Our lives do go on, don't they, Gwen. And I'm so glad or I'd still be wallowing in my pity party from 4 years ago. My life is so different from what I would have ever imagined for myself, and my priorities have completely changed. All good though. I'm glad your life is beginning anew and open to all that God has in store for you. Just hold on tight because I'm sure it won't slow down. :)
I really think this is your best post ever, Gwen, and that's sayin' something. It is so simple and so profound at the same time and honest. Really I think it would be perfect for an essay collection book. It is so comforting to hear that some things are smoothing out for your family. Rest is so much sweeter when you haven't had it in so long. One other thing I just had to tell you - in the picture of you with the kids, you look STUNNING! Seriously - gorgeous.
Wow. This was very profound. You raised a very interesting point. You said you were trying to get back to the life from 14 months ago, but it has changed so much! So everytime I catch myself thinking that my life must go back to normal I have to throw cold water on myself and wake up. There is no normal. There is no old normal. There is the new normal...and it changes daily!
You have such a great outlook and are very inspiring. Thanks for making me appreciate my day even more!
What a message, and what mighty work God has done in your life. You articulated so beautifully the struggle of my life, that I couldn't even put words to until reading this... wanting to always remain "who I was", rather than allowing Gosd to grow me into what He wants me to be.
Beautiful, as always!
You and Ivey are both so encouraging, and so precious to me. :)
Another beautiful post Gwen. None of us in blogland can imagine what your daily life is like but your attitude is amazing. I am inspired everytime I stop by!
Whitney
It always amazes me how you put into words the thoughts and feelings I have had or do have. Ivey obviously gets a lot of her strength from you. Life gets crazy but you have a beautiful grasp on things and I am confident I am watching an inspirational sucess story in the making.
I love how you say Ivey is "faith at its best." What a sweet statement.
And I am blessed to know the "new" you:) Thank you for sharing so much of your heart with us. Our God truly brings beauty from ashes (Isaiah 61:3)
And thanks for always dropping by my blog:) I too don't always find the time or have free hands to comment, but I check in on you and your sweet one all the time:)
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