2,190 Days

It has been 2,190 days. That seems like a lot of days. However, there are some out there who have been doing this thing much longer, say for 30 years (10,950 days) or more. So our small 6 years compared to that seems pretty insignificant.

Six years ago I can remember Father Y talking to us about marriage, you know the part past the wedding day. It seems we get so hyped up about those few moments at the alter and a party afterward that planning for the days past 'The Wedding Day' are nonexistent. The world was grand, how could anything ever go astray in our future fairytale? Father Y talked to us about those days with us nodding along that we understood and would always stick to the plan; after all, that’s what people do in marriages. Right?

We did not get married until I was in my late twenties, Matt in his early thirties. It’s a great story. Planning and establishing a future were first. We were responsible. I often pick on him about this, but think about it, we met in the summer of the 96’ Olympics; we married after Y2K. There was plenty of time to work out the kinks before we were married. (I am grinning as I type this-I love to pick at Matt about the years that went by before the wedding.)

So - today we get the day together.

I want to tell you a different side to our fairytale. The part that is supposed to be ssshhhhh (private).

Last year when Ivey was born, we found that our fortress of a marriage was about to be tested in ways and means that no one can imagine-unless you have walked in our shoes. Stress can be applied to a marriage in many forms. This stress is unlike financial issues or disagreeing - the baby that was created was on the line. She was hurting. Did we cause it? You cannot conceive the depths that a ‘sick’ child will touch a marriage.

These are the days that Father Y was really talking about.

The first several days after Ivey was born I could not be alone, even when I slept. Come to think of it, I didn‘t sleep at all back then. I can remember sitting in the hospital room literally clinging to Matt. Those were dreary days.

Then someone came to visit, this was a few weeks after Ivey was born. They had our best intentions at heart, but sent fear surging through me - Matt tries to play this off, but it scared him too. We were quickly asked about our marriage. Okay. Ivey was still in the NICU, so we were leaning on one other as we sat waiting; we were together. We were informed that many (most) marriages of special needs children end in divorce. Didn’t know that and I probably could have gone without knowing that particular statistic.

Then our sweet pea came home, which was much different from the boys coming home from the hospital.

In a nutshell, our time was engulfed in Ivey’s medical care, trying to raise two boys in a ‘normal’ home (pretending their lives had not changed too), trying to keep the house clean, going to doctor’s visits, Matt was back at work, I was trying to raise three during the day, someone was always in our home during the day (would not change that) and there was a stranger awake in our home every night watching Ivey. A night nurse can quickly dowse any homefires that are burning. We were parents. We were friends. We were our parents’ children. We were trying to survive. There was no time for us to be husband and wife.

We went to dinner one night and stared at each other. Life was in full force, but I was in one realm - he was in another. Loving one another was not the problem. We worship each other. Marriage is founded on much more than love alone. -Who the heck was the person sitting across from me?- I think that is the instant most people make a choice. Our parents raised two very stubborn and headstrong people. Failure, and I am not talking about divorce, I am talking about a stale lifeless marriage was not an option.

We carved out a plan. Divide and conquer. I took control of Ivey’s medical events. Matt grabbed Ivey’s financial matters. We went full steam ahead. If a problem comes up, it is addressed and we try not to pull the other down with the details. This has become our way of life. Loving our family became our priority, not just surviving.

The marriage comes first.

I love being a mom. Matt loves being a dad. We once spoke about things Father Y said to us. He gave insight to loving the people who surround us, loving our parents, loving future children, but he spoke of always putting each other first. He spoke of hard times when we might want to cling to our own parents or friends - we had to make effort to cling to one another instead. Of course then we could not imagine there being a time when that could happen. Now we know. Without our marriage, none of the other will exist.

So, in the midst of the creatures we created, we honor the two people who created them. We both know that despite our current life, eventually our three babies will grow up and they will have lives of their own. We take a day, especially this day, to remember the two people who vowed to one another they would keep it together, we celebrate the people we have become, we are humbled by the obstacles we scale and we pray for the people we will be…..we are doing it together.

I could have told you some mushy story. I think this one is much better. It is a story about two people facing many obstacles, getting through them, and loving our life together.